


Ramblin' Man

by Ttttrickster (iscatterthemintimeandspace)



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Angst, Background Dean/Castiel - Freeform, Bassist! Gabriel, Drug Abuse, Drug Addiction, Drummer! Crowley, Fluff, Guitarist! Chuck, Homophobia, Homophobic Language, Hospitals, M/M, Manager! Castiel, Near Death, Past Jessica Moore/Sam Winchester, Roadie! Sam, Singer Dean!, Smut, Teen pregnancy (mentions of), band au, break ups, drug overdose, past Gabriel/Crowley
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-08-18
Updated: 2018-08-18
Packaged: 2019-06-29 07:06:47
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 10
Words: 27,917
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15724428
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/iscatterthemintimeandspace/pseuds/Ttttrickster
Summary: Sam Winchester’s perfect life was falling apart; the girl he wanted to marry left him, and everything he had built crumbled before his eyes. He decides to take a job as a roadie for his brother Dean’s band, to help him get over Jess and move on with his life before law school.He was not accounting for Gabriel Novak.Written for the 2018 Sabriel Big Bang





	1. Chapter 1

Tonight was the night. 

 

Sam could feel the ring burning a hole in his pocket as he waited for Jessica to arrive. He’d planned in all perfectly, the restaurant where they had their first date, her favorite flowers, the diamond engagement ring. It was going to be great, and Sam could barely stop himself from bouncing in his seat with excitement. 

 

He’d met Jess as a second semester freshman and for him, it had been love at first sight. She was everything he’d ever dreamed of in a partner, smart, gorgeous, funny, charming and the feeling was mutual. They’d become an item almost immediately, and it had been that way ever since. 

 

Sam could feel his life coming together. In a month, he was going to graduate magna cum laude from Stanford, he’d gotten a 174 on his LSATs and tonight, he was going to ask Jess to be his wife. The life he’d always dreamed about was finally in his grasp, and he couldn’t be happier. 

 

He’d spoken to his brother  Dean on the phone earlier for support, and Dean as always had given it. He’d also offered Sam a place with his band, if he ever wanted to break away from his apple pie life. Dean had never wanted the picket fence and  the 2.5 kids. As long as Sam could remember, Dean wanted to be a rockstar, wanted the life on the road. Even if his band, Pulled From Perdition, wasn’t rock god status yet, they had a loyal following and one of their singles had recently topped the charts. It was the start of a promising career, but it wasn’t the kind of life that Sam was interested in. Sam had all he could have ever wanted right here. 

 

Jess arrived at the restaurant, looking just as beautiful as the day they’d had their first date.  Her long blonde hair was half up, half down and she was wearing a black dress that came to just below her knees. She smiled at him slightly when she walked across the crowded dining room, and kissed his cheek before sitting down. She looked a little wary, but Sam didn’t notice it then. 

 

They made pleasantries until the waitress came, and Sam ordered a bottle of champagne and a caesar salad. 

 

“What’s the occasion?” Jess smiled, playing with her napkin. 

 

This was it. Sam fumbled with the ring in his pocket and set it on the table with a sheepish grin. Jess’ pretty face blanched white and she reached across the table just as Sam went to open the black velvet box. 

 

“Sam,” she began, not meeting his eyes. “ I don’t know how to say this… I… Sam, it’s over.” 

 

“What’s over?” he asked, completely dumbfounded. She put her hand lightly over his and squeezed it reassuringly, but Sam wasn’t reassured at all. He felt sick to his stomach. 

 

“Us… this,” Jess told him. 

 

Sam tried to swallow the lump in his throat. “But why? I’ll fix it, I swear. I’ll-” 

 

“There’s nothing to fix,” she cut him off, still holding his hand on top of the ring box. “I just don’t want what you want anymore, Sam. We’re just different people now. We grew up” 

 

Sam pulled his hand away, staring bewildered at the woman who until this second he’d been planning his future around. “I can change. I can be whatever you want me to be, please” 

 

Jess sighed. “You shouldn’t have to change for me. I don’t want you to change. You’re perfect just the way you are, just not for me.” 

 

Sam resisted the urge to roll his eyes at the cliche. He felt his perfect life slipping through his fingers like water through his cupped palm and every instinct inside him wanted to grab it back with both hands.  He took a deep breath. “But I love you.” 

 

“I love you too, I’m just not in love with you anymore,” Jess began to get up. Sam wanted to take her hand, throw himself at her feet, anything to make her stay, but he didn’t. As much as it hurt, if she was telling the truth, if she didn’t love him anymore, there was nothing he could do. At least he could keep his dignity. 

 

“Keep in touch Sam,” she said, turning her back on him and walking away. Sam was left staring at the little black box on the table. He didn't know how long he stared at it, but the next thing he knew the waitress had put a comforting hand on his shoulder, and was looking at him with a sad face. 

 

“I’m guessing you won’t be needing the champagne then,” she said softly. “For what it’s worth, I’m sorry.” 

 

“I guess not,” Sam croaked, choking back tears. He refused to cry in public. “And it’s alright, but I’m just going to… I’ll leave now.” 

 

The waitress nodded and gave him a bitter sort of smile, as he scooped up the box and shoved it back into his pocket without looking at it. He threw a twenty down on the table to cover the salad he had ordered and made a beeline for the door, not meeting the eyes of the other people who had just had front row seats to his heartbreak. 

 

Sam didn’t think as he got into his car and drove to his place off campus, as if on auto pilot. He hoped Brady wasn’t home, that he could be alone, and for once, luck was with him. He pulled into an empty garage, devoid of his roommate’s almost ever present Audi. 

 

The tears hit as soon as he’d gotten in the front door, but he managed to keep it together enough to make it to his second floor bedroom. He flopped down on the bed, his head buried in his pillow and let the tears come. 

 

Sam wasn’t one who was prone to crying, he’d rarely cried since he was a child, but he couldn’t help it. His whole plan for his future had been built with Jess in his life and without her, it all came crumbling down around him with one sickening crash.

 

It all just seemed so sudden and Sam wracked his brain, searching back in his memories for the last couple of months. Jess had been more distant than normal, but they’d both been busy with class, and studying. She’d been spending a lot of time at the library with Brady, cramming for her GREs. Had something happened between them? 

 

Sam mentally shook himself. Brady was his friend, had been his friend longer than he had known Jess and there was no way that Jess would even think of cheating on him. It wasn’t who she was. That couldn’t be the reason she’d dumped him. Sam pulled his face from his pillow, reaching to the tissue box on his night stand to blow his nose. With the immediate tension gone, Sam was left with a nauseous feeling in his stomach, like he’d spent all night drinking but without the pounding headache. He didn’t know how to begin to pick up the pieces. 

 

In his pocket, his phone began to vibrate and for a brief second, he thought it might be Jess, calling to apologize, but it was only a text from Dean. 

 

**How’d it go?**

 

Sam groaned and flopped back down on his pillow, breathing in. He caught of whiff of Jess’ shampoo and jerked up. As much as he wanted to wallow in his own self pity right now, he wasn’t going to let himself do it. The last time Brady got dumped, they’d ended up at the hospital having his stomach pumped. Sam was only a month away from graduation, he could live through the next month, he decided, pulling his phone from his pocket. He intended only to silence it, but suddenly an idea struck him. 

 

He slid open his phone and dialed Dean’s number. He picked up after only one ring. 

 

“So Romeo, shouldn’t you be with your fiance?” Sam could hear the grin in his brother’s voice. 

 

“Dean,” He swallowed. “Do you still have that roadie spot open?” 

 

~~~~~~

 

A month and a half later found Sam waiting for his luggage to come into view on the conveyor belt. He’d flown out of Kansas that morning, and Dean was picking him up at the airport. Sam spotted his bag, and lugged it off the belt, popping out the handle and setting it right on its wheels. He set off across the airport, trying to find the door where Dean said he’d be waiting. 

 

He’d graduated from Stanford two weeks ago, and it had been a relief. The final month of school since Jess had broken up with him had been hard and lonely, and he became painfully aware how few friends he had that weren’t Jess’ first. Even Brady, who he’d known before, had been distant from him, and he was grateful to go home and leave all the painful memories behind him. 

 

His mother and step-father wouldn’t hear of him jetting off to Dean right after graduation, as much as he’d argued. He’d been forced to spend a week with them in Lawrence, and then a week with his father, step-mother and half-brother in Lebanon, the week after that. Sam’s parents had been divorced since he was eighteen months old, and he counted himself lucky that despite their history and his father’s now past alcoholism, they were still on relatively good terms, especially when it came to their sons. But Sam didn’t think he could take the sad looks his family gave him when he explained to them about Jess anymore. They all genuinely liked her, and Sam felt like he had disappointed them by allowing her to get away. 

 

Sam pushed the door open and took a deep breath. California was significantly warmer than Kansas had been, and he made a note to pick up some shorts before they took off on tour. 

 

To his left, Sam heard a beep, and turned to find his brother parked at the curb. 

 

“Get in!” Dean yelled, popping the trunk of the rental. “You’re wasting daylight, bitch.” 

 

Sam snorted and rolled his eyes. “Jerk,” he said, dragging his suitcase behind him and stowing it in the trunk. He slid into the passenger seat next to him and braced himself for the questions he’d been getting from everyone else. 

 

“Are you hungry?” 

 

Sam blinked at him. He hadn’t been expecting that. “What?” 

 

“I said are you hungry? You haven’t had In-N-Out yet.” Dean gave him a look. “She’s really got you messed up, huh?.” Dean put his hand on his shoulder. “Don’t worry Sammy, the quickest way to get over someone is to get under someone else. There’ll be plenty of groupies once we get out on the road.” 

 

Sam shook his head. Leave it to Dean to think sex would heal his broken heart. “When the last time you had an STD panel?” 

 

“I wrap it up, now let’s go get you some burgers,” Dean replied, pulling away from the curb with a squeal. “Then you can meet the guys.” 

 

The guys turned out to be his bandmates, and Sam didn’t know what else he expected for anyone who would be in a band with his brother. Dean brought him back to their band manager’s house. They’d picked up a case of beer and headed across town, parking at the end of a large driveway. Sam and Dean walked up towards the largest house Sam had ever seen. 

 

“So this is your manager’s house?” Sam asked, as Dean rang the doorbell. 

 

“Sort of,” Dean shrugged. “Technically it’s his dad’s, but he lets Cas use it.” 

 

“Is he a millionaire or something?” Sam whispered back as the door swung open, and a black haired man around Sam’s age came into view. 

 

Dean smirked. “Or something,” he stepped inside of the house, and Sam followed. “Sammy, this is our manager, Castiel Novak. We call him Cas.” 

 

“It’s nice to meet you, Sam.” Castiel held out his hand. “Dean has told us much about you.” 

 

Sam took his hand and shook it. Cas was stronger than he looked. “Thank you, it’s nice to meet you too.” 

 

“The rest of the band is downstairs,” Castiel told them, leading them through the winding hallways and down the stairs. Sam had expected something grand, but there were no words for what he found. Part of the basement was a music studio, the rest looked like a bar, complete with beer taps and liquor behind it. There were three men sprawled across various pieces of furniture, and they sat up as Sam, Castiel and Dean hit the stair landing. 

 

“Finally,” said the man sitting closest to them, in a clipped british accent. “How long does it take to get beer?” He was wearing a black tank top and had a vibrant tattoo snaking over his shoulder and down his arm. He was twirling a black drumstick between his fingers, tapping the fingers of his other hand against his thigh.  

 

“I told you I was going to get my brother,” Dean snorted. “Crowley. Everyone, this is my brother Sam, and Sammy, this is Crowley, our drummer,” He indicated another man with curly brown hair and glasses. “That’s Chuck and,” he pointed to a third man, who was laying across the chaise lounge with a bass in his lap. “That’s Gabriel.” 

 

Gabriel sat up and Sam got his first glimpse of him. His honey brown hair was styled into a faux hawk, his golden eyes lighting up as he smiled at Sam. He was dressed in a tie-dyed shirt and had what looked to be a feather dangling from one ear. Sam also noticed some sort of black sigil tattooed on his forearm.“So this is the infamous Sammy,” he drawled, laying his bass down on the couch next to him. 

 

“It’s Sam actually,” Sam replied, unable to help the light blush that now stained his features. 

 

“Oh he’s a blusher,” Gabriel teased, his eyes flicking over to Dean. “Dean-o, you brought me a blusher.” 

 

Dean frowned and shook his finger at Gabriel. “No, no, no,” he said firmly. “He’s off-limits to you, all of you for that matter.” 

 

Crowley raised an eyebrow. “Not my type,” he sniffed. “Now give me a beer.” 

 

Dean stowed the pack he had brought in the fridge and handed one to Crowley, one to Gabriel and then one to Sam. Cas and Chuck were both drinking out of cups. Sam sat down on the end of the chaise lounge, and Gabriel scooched over to sit next to him. Dean settled down across the room on the couch with Castiel and Chuck. 

 

“So Sammy- Sorry, Sam,” Gabriel started. “What brings you on the road with us?” 

 

Sam took a deep pull from his beer. “My girlfriend dumped me.” 

 

“Ah, bad break, kiddo,” Gabriel gave him a sad sort of smile. “You know what they say, the quickest way to get over someone is to-” 

 

“Get under someone else,” Sam laughed a bit. “Yeah, Dean told me.” 

 

Gabriel picked up a pillow from the couch and tossed it across the room at Dean’s head. “Oi! Winchester, stop stealing my lines!” 

 

Dean caught it easily and tossed it back. “Stop trying to use them on my brother!” he shot back with a grin. 

 

Sam couldn’t help smiling. Already he felt lighter than when he left Kansas, no reminders of Jess, no sad looks from his parents.  As the night wore on, it became clear that the members of the band genuinely enjoyed hanging out with each other. Sam made sure to try and talk to each one of them through the night, and the goal became easier the more he drank. He wasn’t exactly a wallflower, but he had never been quite as outgoing as Dean or Jess. 

 

By the time everyone was saying their goodnights, Sam was feeling pleasantly drunk. He politely turned down Gabriel’s invitation to his bedroom, and stumbled to the room that Cas had allotted to him. He sat down on the bed to take his shoes and pants off, not trusting his balance enough to do it standing. Sighing, he laid back on the bed, only intending to be there for a second before getting up and brushing his teeth, but before he knew it, Sam was fast asleep. 

 


	2. Chapter 2

Life on the road was a learning experience.

 

He learned that the stage had certain rules, that Crowley liked his drumsticks placed directly on his seat, that Chuck prefered to be on the left side of the stage, that Gabriel always had a supply diet coke under his chair. He learned that the van had another set, don’t take someone’s alcohol without asking, don’t touch Dean’s pillows, and if there was a sock on the door, do not disturb. 

 

He also learned there was definitely something going on with Dean and Cas. 

 

The tour bus was built for five people to live comfortably, unfortunately, Sam was the sixth person that the bus needed to haul around, which meant he had to share a room with Dean. They had shared a room when they were younger, but now that they were adults, it was a little bit awkward. 

 

He’d come back to the bus after cleaning their practice stage to find a sock over the door handle. It was the third time this week that it had happened, and there was nothing Sam could do about it. He wished Dean had at least warned him so he could grab his kindle, but no such luck. Exhausted and annoyed, he stomped to the other side of the bus and threw himself down on the couch, where Gabriel was sitting  with his bass and a beer. 

 

“Dean’s at it again, huh?” Gabriel asked, putting his bass aside and turning to Sam. 

 

Sam nodded. “I just wish he would give me some kind of warning when he brings girls back, that’s all.” 

 

Gabriel smothered a snort. “For someone who graduated with honors, you sure are thick.” he laughed. “It’s no girl in there. It’s Cas.” 

 

“Cas?” Sam replied. He wasn’t surprised. He’d only assumed Dean’s partner was female based on the throngs of young women who showed up when they practiced. He’d had his suspicions that Dean liked men too, but nothing to confirm it before now. “How do you know?” 

 

“One, the eye sex they have every time they think no one’s looking, two, he’s my brother,” Gabriel responded. “And three, you only have to walk in on that shit once. Why do you think they put the sock on the door now?” 

 

Sam wrinkled his nose. He did not want to think about Dean and Cas...together, so he changed the subject. “So all of this was paid for by your dad?” he indicated the bus and all the furnishings. 

 

“Cas’ dad, not mine,” Gabriel corrected him. “We have the same mom. Cas’ dad is Vince Vincente, my dad…who knows who the fuck he is, probably dead in a gutter somewhere.” 

 

“Vince Vincente?” Sam swallowed. “THE Vince Vincente? From Ladyheart?” 

 

“No, another Vince Vincente,” Gabriel said sarcastically. “Yes, him. My mom was a groupie back in the day. Got pregnant with me at seventeen, Cas a couple years later. Suppose my dad might be a rockstar too, but Mom said she doesn’t know who he is. Thought Chuck might know, him and Mom have been friends forever, but he says he has no idea. I think they’re both lying.” he shrugged. “What about you? Dean doesn’t talking too much about his family other than you.” 

 

Sam wasn’t surprised. Unlike Sam, Dean still remembered his parents being together. The divorce had been hard on him, and he was still sore about it. “My parents divorced when I was a baby. Dad was an alcoholic and Mom had had enough. She remarried a guy named Bobby Singer, he’s a good guy, treats her well. My dad eventually dried out, married a woman he met in AA. We have a half-brother named Adam. Parents are on good terms now.” Sam shrugged. “That’s about it.” 

 

“They like your ex?” Gabriel asked carefully, his eyebrow raised slightly. 

 

Sam didn’t want to talk about it. The sharp pain of the breakup had faded, but under it, there was still a persistent, nagging throb that came back whenever he thought about her. It was like a toothache, it hurt when you ran your tongue over it, only with a toothache, you could get it removed. Sam just had to live through this. 

 

Gabriel seemed to sense his discomfort. “I was engaged once, girl named Kali,” he told him, leaning forward. “She... uhhhh cheated on me with my cousin. I was wrecked over it, took me a long time to get out my funk.” 

 

Sam appreciated that Gabriel was trying to relate to him. The other members of the band were nice enough, but the only who he’d really connected with was Gabriel. Chuck was great, but he was in his own little world most of the time, Cas spent most of his time either on the phone or with Dean, and Crowley was, for lack of a better word, prickly. Between flirting with him and trying to make him blush, Gabriel actually took time to talk to him. 

 

Dean had tried to warn him away from Gabriel. As much as he liked the bassist, he explained, Gabriel had a bad habit of sleeping around almost indiscriminately, and not that Dean had much room to talk on that subject, but he didn’t want his brother getting involved with him. 

 

Sam had laughed him off. Despite the constant flirting and sexual suggestions, Gabriel wasn’t interested in Sam. Sam had seen the people he brought back to the bus. Tall and gawky, he wasn’t Gabriel’s type, Sam reasoned, despite the gnawing jealousy that burned in his gut whenever he saw the sock on Gabriel’s door. He chalked it up to the fact that Gabriel had someone and he didn’t, not the fact that it was Gabriel. Sam had known he liked boys since high school, but later determined it was more about what was between a person’s ears rather than in their pants. After he met Jess, it hadn’t mattered. He was going to be with her forever, or so he’d thought, so he hadn’t even bothered wasting another second on the matter. 

 

“How’d you get over her?” Sam asked quietly. It couldn’t hurt to ask. Maybe it would work for him. As much as he didn’t want to let go what he had with Jess, he had to get over her. He couldn’t go on feeling like he’d been run over by a tank and backed over for the rest of his life. 

 

“Honestly? Time, booze and a lot of sex,” Gabriel grinned at him lavisciously. “Probably not the healthiest way to deal with it, but it’s hard to think about the skank that broke your heart when you’re balls deep in-” 

 

There was a knock on the door. Both Sam and Gabriel stopped talking, and for that, Sam was thankful. He could feel the heat on his face from Gabriel’s suggestion. Silently cursing the sudden tightness in his pants, Sam got up to answer the door. 

 

He had no sooner reached for the knob and pulled, when a bright flash of light momentarily blinded him. 

 

“You’re not Dean!” squealed a high- pitched voice from outside the door

 

Sam blinked until he could see again. There was a small mousy woman standing on the steps of the bus, clutching a camera desperately. She was wearing a band shirt plastered with Dean’s face, and Sam could see the glint of the silver sharpie that Dean used to sign all his autographs. 

 

“Who are you?” she asked again, her lips threatening a pout. 

 

“I’m Sa-” 

 

“Not fucking you again,” Gabriel had appeared behind Sam with a irritated scowl on his face, throwing his hands up as the woman clicked the camera again. “Security!” he called out . “Security!” He pulled Sam back from the door and slammed it in the woman’s face, throwing the deadbolt latch. “They’ll remove her in a second.” 

 

“Who was that?” Sam asked. He heard a scuffle outside the door, and then nothing. 

 

Sam knew Pulled From Perdition wasn’t huge, but they had a loyal, if a little cultish following of fans that followed the bus and posted about them online. Gabriel had showed him one of their fan  message boards for a laugh one night when they had been drinking. He’d off-handedly mentioned they’d had a couple crazy run-ins, but nothing like this. 

 

“Becky Rosen,” Gabriel told him, settling back down on the couch and reaching for a handful of M&M’s. “Dean’s stalker. She follows us everywhere, trying to see him. She takes it to a new level. Next time you see her, just call security. She posts everything on her blog, don’t be surprised to see your picture there.” 

 

Sam turned to return to the living room, but he saw the sock was off of Dean’s door. He needed a shower something fierce, and if he didn’t jump on it now, who knew when he’d get another chance. Might as well do it now before Dean recovered enough to go at it again. 

 

“I’m….uhh... gunna go shower,” Sam said to Gabriel, who had pulled his bass back into his lap. “Thanks for … the advice.” 

 

“Sure thing, kiddo,” Gabriel smirked at him. “You know where to find me...if you need me.” 

Sam flushed again, and turned back towards his room. Gabriel was going to be the death of him.

 

~~~~~~

 

Sam was exhausted. 

 

They’d been on the road two weeks straight, going from show to show, and he wasn’t sleeping well. He’d finished breaking down the set after a show, and he was just getting back. He tried to open the bus door as quietly as he could, but then he saw it, the fucking sock on Dean’s fucking door. 

 

“C’mon!” Sam burst out angrily. “Are you fucking serious?!” 

 

As much as he wanted to pound down Dean’s door, he didn’t want to wake everyone else up. He stomped across the floor and threw himself down on the couch, sighing at the way his legs hung off. It wasn’t built for someone his size. 

 

“You okay there, Gigantor?” 

 

Sam opened his eyes to find Gabriel looking at him sleepily from his doorway. “I’m sorry Gabe, I didn’t mean to wake you up. Dean sexiled me again.” 

 

Gabriel regarded him for a moment. Sam didn’t think he’d ever seen Gabriel looking so… soft. Normally he had his hair done up, some kind of crazy earrings, even louder clothing, but right now, his hair was damp from the shower, curling around the nape of his neck, and he was shirtless with sleep pants covered in lollipops. 

 

It was the first time he’d seen Gabriel shirtless, and he was hard pressed not to to notice the huge gold angel wing tattoos that spanned from the tops of his shoulders down his arms and the glint of the piercings in his nipples. Sam swallowed, and focused on looking at Gabriel’s face

 

“Why don’t you come sleep with me?” Gabriel suggested. Sam waited for the signature grin that normally accompanied Gabriel's flirting, but it never came. 

 

“C’mon,” Gabriel urged, opening the door. “I’ve got a queen, and it’s much more comfortable than that ratty couch. I promise I won’t make a move on you. Just come and sleep.” 

 

Sam looked at Gabriel and then to the couch, and then Gabriel again. He had a point. If Sam slept on the couch, he’d end up not sleeping very much at all, and tomorrow would be worse than today had been. 

 

“Alright,” Sam said finally, getting up from the couch. He followed Gabriel into his room, and stopped, taking it everything around him. It wasn’t what Sam had expected of Gabriel at all. Every spare wall space was jam packed with pictures of different locations, and there were albums stuffed into book shelves. Sam turned to Gabriel, who gave him a sheepish smile. 

 

“I like photography, you’re not allowed to tell anyone,” He pointed his finger at him before flopping back on his bed. He hadn’t been lying about the size, and the blankets looked warm and comfortable. 

 

Sam stood awkwardly for a moment, staring at Gabriel as he tried to decide how to undress. “Uhhh could you… close your eyes?” 

 

Gabriel grinned at him, his tongue peeking out from between his teeth. “What? Do you have a third nipple or something?” 

 

Sam could feel himself flushing again. “No, I just… it’s weird to have you watching me while I’m taking off my clothes.” 

 

Gabriel laughed, but he closed his eyes, and put his hands over them. He laid back on the bed, still grinning. 

 

Sam stripped as quickly as he was able, taking off his shirt and undershirt. He debated sleeping in his jeans, rather than his boxers, but he knew he’d regret it tomorrow if he did. Carefully, he climbed onto Gabriel’s bed and slipped underneath the covers, pulling them up to his chin. “You can open them now.” 

 

“Jeez kid, are you that scared of me?” he teased, slipping back under the blankets, and wiggling to get comfortable. 

 

“N-no,” Sam peeked at Gabriel from under the covers. “I’m not scared, just-” 

 

“Dean talked to you, didn’t he?” Gabriel replied, without the teasing tone he had had earlier. 

 

“Gabe, it’s not-” 

 

“It’s fine,” Gabriel cut him off again. “I’m not some sort of predator, Sammy. I would never lay a hand on you unless you wanted me to. I thought you of all people would understand.” 

 

Sam sat up at little. “Understand what?” 

 

“Why I’d rather sleep around then get involved in something serious,” Gabriel elaborated. He looked sad as he turned to switch off the light. “Easier to have flings than to get your heart broken.” 

 

Sam couldn’t see Gabriel, but he could hear him and feel him moving around next to him. “Gabe?” 

 

“Yeah?” 

 

“I- I do understand,” Sam started. “If you don’t get attached, you can’t get hurt. I just… even though it sucks, and I miss her, I don’t regret loving her.” 

 

Gabriel didn’t respond for a moment, and Sam thought he had fallen asleep. 

 

“Kid?” he said finally. 

 

“Yeah?” 

 

“How’d you get so smart?” Sam could hear the smile in his voice. 

 

“Just luck, I guess,” Sam replied, rolling over with a yawn. “Good night, Gabe.” 

 

There was a pause, and then a quiet hitch in Gabriel’s breathing. “Goodbye, Sammy.” 

 

“Goodbye?” Sam was confused.  

 

“Yeah goodbye,” Gabriel replied. “ I just realized that when Dean sees you walking out of my bedroom tomorrow, he’s gunna kill me.” 


	3. Chapter 3

Sam was well and truly fucked.

 

He hadn’t meant for it to happen, but it had and there wasn’t a lot he could do about it. 

 

He had a crush on Gabriel Novak. 

 

He couldn’t pinpoint when or how it had started, but he guessed it was some time  after Gabriel had let him sleep in his bed. Despite Dean’s unhappy reaction to finding out that his brother had slept in his bed, Gabriel had offered to let Sam stay on a standing basis whenever Dean sexiled him.

 

Sam found himself looking forward to spending time with Gabriel, but it wasn’t until he saw the sock on Gabriel’s door handle that he realized how deep his feelings were. 

 

He felt sick to his stomach as he stood there in the hallway, staring at Gabriel’s door in the dark. He knew that Gabriel slept around, he knew that he didn’t want to settle down, he had known from the beginning, but that hadn’t stopped him from falling for him hook, line and sinker.   

 

“Bloody hell, not you too.” 

 

Sam turned to find Crowley standing behind him, his arms crossed over his broadchest. Sam opened his mouth to protest, but Crowley silenced him with a hand.

 

“Don’t,” Crowley offered a small sardonic smile. “We both know it’s true, Moose. I’ve seen that look before. Come with me.” 

 

Sam followed him down the hall to his bedroom, and Crowley closed the door behind them.

 

Crowley’s bedroom was about the same size as Dean or Gabriel’s, but it conveyed a luxury that theirs didn’t. Whereas Dean treated his room like just a place to put his shit, Crowley clearly viewed it as something more. The room was neat and tidy, with dark polished furniture, and a luxurious red velvet duvet. It would have looked right at home in Cas’ dad’s place, not a dingy tour bus on a dusty forgotten highway. 

 

Crowley crossed the room with all the grace of a jungle cat, and  carefully pulled a small wooden chest out from underneath his bed. He pulled out a crystal bottle with some amber liquid in it, and two matching glass tumblers. 

 

“Sit,” Crowley commanded, and Sam sat on one of the chairs next to his bed. Crowley poured them both a liberal dose of whatever spirit was in the bottle, and handed one of the glasses to Sam. “Drink.” 

 

Sam held the glass up to his nose, and took a sniff. Whiskey then, and good whiskey too from the smell of it. He tipped the glass back and emptied the entire thing down his throat, ignoring the burn as it went down. 

 

Crowley sat down on his bed, watching Sam like a hawk as he took a sip of his own. “You aren’t the first and you won’t be the last to fall for Gabriel Novak,” Crowley said finally. “You’ll get over him.” 

 

Sam wasn’t even over Jess yet, he wanted to argue but Jess was gone. Gabriel was still here, in his bedroom with someone else. It wasn’t like he could ignore him, and Sam wasn’t ready to admit defeat and go home just yet. Dean would want to know why, and Sam knew he couldn’t lie to him. Dean always knew when he was lying. 

 

He watched Crowley carefully for a moment, considering the weight of his next words on his tongue. “Are you speaking from experience?” 

 

His eyes narrowed, and Sam could tell he struck a nerve. He expected him to lash out, but he just sipped his whiskey in silence. They sat there looking at each other until Crowley finished, and then he poured them both another glass.

 

It went on until the bottle was empty, and Crowley was drunk enough to talk. 

 

“We had a thing,” Crowley admitted out of nowhere, his words slightly slurred. Sam could smell the liquor on his breath from where he sat across from him. “He’d just come off a bad break-up and Chuck brought him to one of our practice sessions to try and cheer him up.” he explained, swirling the whiskey that was left in his glass. “He ended up joining the band, we got blind drunk, and we started sleeping together.” 

 

Sam didn’t know why Crowley was opening up to him, the man had never really expressed an interest in getting to know him more deeply, but Sam supposed now they had something in common: Gabriel. He felt comforted and jealous at the same time, but he stayed silent. If Crowley wanted to let it out, who was Sam to tell him no? 

 

“I thought it was something more than what it was, and he didn’t. I asked him to move in and he laughed at me.” Crowley took a careful sip. “Take it from me, Moose. The sooner you admit what he is and that you have no future with him, the better you’ll be.” He finished his glass and put it down on the table with a loud clunk, starling Sam from his self-pitying stupor. “Now, get out.” 

 

Sam left his empty glass on the dresser and got up to leave. He stumbled a bit as the alcohol hit him full force. He turned half-way when he got to the door. “Thank you, Crowley.” he said, holding the door frame as he stepped into the hall. 

 

Crowley offered him a half-smile, before shutting the door in his face. 

 

Sam wobbled down the hall, bracing himself on the walls as the world swam. He forced himself not to look at Gabriel’s door, forced himself not to turn back. For once, he caught a break, and there was no sock on Dean’s door. Gingerly, he climbed into bed fully clothed, pulling his covers up over his head. 

 

It took him hours to fall asleep. 

 

~~~~~~

 

Sam wasn’t prepared for the madness that was music festival season. 

 

It was constant motion, setting up, sound checks, breaking down all within the span of three hours, and then there was the acoustic sets and the merch tent, and the constant chatter and buzz of fans. He dropped into his bed every night, and slept like the dead until it was time to start again. 

 

Dean, Chuck, Crowley and Gabriel seemed to be enjoying it, but Sam, Sam couldn’t wait for it to be over. Gabriel especially flourished, playing small acoustic shows out of their tent long after the others had retired to the bus. 

 

Sam tried to stay away, he really did, but despite everything, Gabriel only managed to pull him in deeper. He never mentioned the people he brought back to his bed, just brushed it all off like it never happened. Crowley caught Sam’s eye a few time when he caught Sam fawning over Gabriel, and he only shook his head and walked away. Sam knew Chuck saw it too, if the sad smile he offered when Sam caught sight of the sock on Gabriel’s door handle was anything to go by. Dean, despite his earlier warning, was the only one that seemed oblivious, but Sam supposed it was hard to see past how in love he was with Castiel. 

 

At first, Sam had almost written their relationship off as just sex. It wouldn’t be unlike Dean, Sam had seen him do it in high school and after, but there was something in the way he looked at Cas, that told him otherwise. He caught them a couple of times, curled up on Dean’s bed just reading or cuddling. Sam was happy that Dean had found someone who loved him, but it made in that much harder for Sam. 

 

He supposed that being head over heels for Gabriel made it easier for him to get over Jess, but it still hurt in the long run regardless, and trying to get over two people at once had his head spinning. 

 

Gabriel, for his part, didn’t seem to notice or care about Sam’s pining, and always asked Sam to help him pack up after his acoustic sets. Sam never failed to agree, despite the fact that jealousy ate him up every time anyone flirted with him. 

 

Sam leaned back in his chair, watching Gabriel play as he minded the merch tent.  He rarely if ever sang solo on stage, but here, his voice was the only one accompanying the song he was picking out. He had a damn good voice in Sam’s opinion, low and deep with just a hint of southern twang. This was the song he normally ended with, a sad slow song that he’d written himself called “Mystery Spot”. 

 

When Gabriel finished, and the fans had dissipated, Gabriel helped Sam clean up their merch tent. Sam had tried to wave him off, but Gabriel had insisted. 

 

“So what’s up, kiddo?” He asked, folding shirts into packing cartons. “I feel like you’ve been avoiding me.” 

 

Sam ducked his head into a box so Gabriel couldn’t see the flush of his face. “I’ve just been busy,” Sam shrugged at him. “The music festivals are pretty hectic.” 

 

Gabriel leaned back against the table. “You sure?” he asked. “Feels like you’ve been avoiding me.” 

 

Sam huffed testily. “I’m not avoiding you. Maybe if you stopped banging groupies every night of the week and hung out with the rest of us, you’d see me more.” 

 

But Gabriel refused to be deflected. “Every time I come into a room after shows, you leave Sammy,” he got up, leaning into Sam’s personal space. “I’m starting to get offended. Are you jealous?” 

 

Sam tried to back away but there was no where that he could go in the small tent. “I-I’m not jealous,” Sam protested. Gabriel was so close to him that he could feel his breath on his face. “I’m busy.” 

 

“Then why are you blushing?” 

 

Sam opened his mouth to reply, but was cut off by a scream. It sounded like it was coming from the bus. Gabriel and Sam exchanged a glance , and broke into a dead sprint towards the parking lot. 

 

When they got there, there was a crowd of curious onlookers gathered outside. It only took Sam one look to know who had caused the commotion.

 

In the middle of chaos, was Becky Rosen. 

 

She was clutching her phone against her chest, as security tried in vain to wrench it away from her. The door of the bus was hanging open, and Sam could see a flurry of activity inside. 

 

“I saw them!” Becky was screeching, twisting to get away. “Together!  I have proof! Dean Winchester is gay!” 

 

Sam’s heart sank, and as Dean emerged from the bus, looking flustered, it became apparent what had happened. Becky had gotten onto the bus, and taken pictures of Dean and Cas together. 

 

“I want a restraining order,” Dean shouted, red in the face. “She’s been stalking me.” 

 

But it was too late, the damage had already been done. 

 

The crowd broke into a loud whisper as security hauled Becky away. Sam could see they were still trying to get at her phone, but it was more likely there was nothing they could do. Even if they deleted it, Sam would be willing to bet it had already been uploaded to the cloud, and onto the internet. 

 

The fallout was swift and brutal. Within a couple hours, the hashtag #DeanWinchesterisGay was trending on Twitter and by nightfall, the major gossip websites had taken the pictures off Becky’s blog. While some fans expressed excitement, the majority of the feedback was not good. 

 

Cas tried to stop the bleeding, but the fact that he was the one Dean had been caught under was working against him. Every interview was flipped on him until he gave up. The band finally had the notoriety they had wanted, but it had the opposite effect. The sales of their albums dropped dramatically, and certain venues even canceled their shows. 

 

Sam felt helpless. There was nothing he could do to fix what had happened. He tried to talk to Dean about it, to offer an ear if he needed it, but Dean spent most of his time locked in his room, leaving Sam the couch. He saw Cas even less, and the other members of the band steered clear of them. It seemed the only person he saw was Gabriel. 

 

His plan of avoiding Gabriel didn’t work as well when Gabriel was the only person around. Sam half expected him to bring up their earlier conversation in the merch tent, but he didn’t. He acted like the whole thing had never happened, and Sam was kind of grateful for it. 

 

Most of the time they just sat together talking, and Sam found himself opening up about things in the past, things that he hadn’t even told Jess for fear she’d reject him. They talked about Sam and Dean's father, about his drinking, about their parents’ divorce, about how he finally got clean. 

 

They were sitting, waiting for the opening act to finish when Sam posed a question that had been eating at him since he’d first learned Gabriel’s story.   

 

“Does it bother you that you don’t know who your father is?” Sam asked. There were times that Sam was not fond of his father, but he still had him. He didn't know how he would deal with not knowing who he was.

 

Gabriel looked over at him and shrugged.  “It used to,” he replied. “Not so much anymore. I know my mom knows, but she just doesn’t want to tell me. There has to be some reason for that. I grew up fine without him, no use dwelling on the past, kiddo. Besides, I had Chuck and my mom. Could have been worse.” 

 

Sam considered this. Despite not having a father in the traditional sense, Gabriel was still raised by two people who loved him unconditionally. There were worse things. 

 

He opened his mouth to respond, but stopped when he saw Dean step into the room. It was the first time he’d seen his brother in over a week. He looked like death warmed over, stubble on his cheeks and bags under his eyes. He never went on stage looking this ragged, hell Sam had never seen him look like this, even when he was hungover or sick. 

 

“Let’s get ready,” he told them, and Sam and Gabriel followed him out of the green room and towards the stage without another word. They found Chuck and Crowley waiting for them in the hallway, looking somber. This was their first real show after the news about Dean and Cas had broken, and none of them knew what to expect. 

 

When the opening band hand finished, Sam and several of the other roadies rushed in to set up for the band’s set. Normally Sam could hear a buzz from the crowd, a disjointed chatter in their excitement as they waited for the main event, but tonight he heard nothing. Even with the stage lights in his eyes, he could see that there was barely anyone in the audience. 

 

He tried to warn Dean when he slipped back stage, but Dean wasn't having any of it. The look on his face told Sam that no matter what he said, Dean wasn’t going to listen. He was determined to go on stage and do what he always did, regardless of what had happened. Sometimes Sam admired him for his stubbornness to accept defeat, but sometimes he just wished Dean would listen. 

 

“Hello Knoxville!” Dean boomed into the microphone. “We’re Pulled from Perdition, and our first song-”

 

“QUEER!” 

 

Dean froze. It wasn’t the first time they’d been heckled by an audience member, but this, this was different. Sam watched as he took a deep breath and tried again. 

 

“This is-” 

 

“FAGGOT!” 

 

“Someone’s had a little too much to drink tonight,” Gabriel joked into the microphone, trying to salvage the show. “Anyway, our first song tonight is -” 

 

The next thing Sam heard was the sound of glass breaking as a beer bottle flew from the audience and smashed against the stage, sending shards of glass flying everywhere. 

 

Crowley and Chuck dove for the back curtain, Gabriel slipping out the other side, but Dean, Dean didn’t move. He stood there on stage, staring out into the audience. Finally, Sam reached out and pulled him off into the safety of stage left. 

 

“Dean?” Sam looked at his brother. He’d never seen him like this before. His face was pale, and there was a cut across his left cheek from the flying glass. 

 

“I can’t do this, Sam.” he replied finally, absentmindedly wiping the blood off with the back of his hand. He didn’t even flinch.

 

“Do what?” Sam asked, as they slowly walked back towards the green room. “It was just some drunk asshole, the next show will be better.” 

 

“This, I can’t do this anymore,” Dean said again. “Dad was right. Time to go home.” 

 

He didn’t wait for Sam’s response, he just pushed in front of him, slamming the door of the green room behind him. Sam knew better than to follow him. Trying to talk to Dean when he was like this was like trying to talk to a brick wall. Dean would talk when he was ready, and not a second sooner. 

 

Sam returned to the van, hoping to talk to someone, but the only one who was sitting in the living room was Cas. He looked shaken, his face pale, and he was wringing his hands as he sat on the couch. 

 

“Hey Cas,” he said, sitting down next to him. “You alright?” 

 

“This is all my fault,” Cas replied, his hands stilling for a moment. “If I had… I shouldn’t have…” 

 

“This is no one’s fault but Becky’s,” Sam interrupted him. He wasn’t about to let Cas take the blame for something he had no control over. His only fault here was falling in love with Dean. “It’ll blow over, it’s gunna be okay. I’ve never seen Dean act around anyone the way he acts around you.” 

 

But Cas didn’t say anything. He looked at Sam and got up, disappearing in the direction of Dean’s bedroom. Sam flopped down in the space Cas had vacated huffing, more out of frustration than anything else. He wondered what Dean had meant when he’d come off stage, if he was serious about going home. 

 

He wouldn’t have to wait long. 

 

The next morning when they stopped for breakfast, Dean called them all together. He looked like he hadn’t slept all night, and his cheeks were gaunt. He’d put a bandaid over the cut from the glass, but his cheek around it was still red. Cas was suspiciously absent.

 

“After last night, I think we should go our separate ways for a while,” Dean said, getting right to the point. “This is my problem, and I don’t want to take you guys down with me.” 

 

Sam wanted to protest, but it wasn’t his place. He wasn’t even a member of the band, so he kept his mouth shut and watched. 

 

“I’m guessing we don’t have a choice in this,” Gabriel quipped, crossing his arms over his chest. Sam could tell he was angry, just from the way he was holding himself. There was a stiffness in his limbs, a hard look over his normally expressive face. 

 

“I’m not making the choice for you,” Dean shot back. “I’m leaving; if you want to replace me, that’s up to you.” 

 

Gabriel’s mouth set in a tight line, like he was fighting back something angry. 

 

“Or we could just keep doing what we’re doing, and to hell with the fans.” Crowley suggested. He didn’t look like he cared one way or the other. “It’s bound to blow over eventually.” 

 

“Look, you guys still have a chance at this,” Dean pleaded. “Me, I sunk my own career. You can join other bands…” 

 

“What did Cas have to say about this?” Chuck ventured. Even with the tension in the room, Chuck seemed to radiate peace. Normally there was was always an edge of anxiety around him, but today he seemed more at ease.

 

It was the mention of Cas that pushed Dean over the edge. “This is my choice,” he cried. “And it’s final.” He swept out of the room, leaving the rest of them in silence. 

 

“Well that was dramatic,” Crowley said, rising from his chair a moment later. Neither he or Chuck said another word before they left. 

 

Sam didn’t know where he could go from here. He wasn’t ready to call it quits and head back home just yet, but it looked like he didn’t have a choice. He’d come out here to help Dean, and to get over Jess, but with no Dean, there was only once place he could go. Maybe he could convince Dean to stay. 

 

“I’ll talk to him,” Sam said, getting up quickly. “I’ll get him to stay, I’ll-” 

 

“I don’t think he’s gunna change his mind, kiddo,” Gabriel replied softly. He was still half tipped back in his chair, with his arms over his chest. “You know better than me how he is, once his mind is made up, that’s it for him.” 

 

Sam knew it, knew that Gabriel was right,even if he didn’t want to admit it. “What’ll you do?” he asked Gabriel. 

 

“Find another band, maybe go out on my own.” Gabriel shrugged. “What about you?” 

 

“I...I guess I’ll go back home,” Sam returned, not looking at him. He didn’t want to go home, and some small part of him didn’t want to leave Gabriel, not yet. He knew it was hopeless and stupid, but he couldn’t help the way he felt. 

 

“You could come with me.” Gabriel suggested, almost too quickly, like he’d already been thinking it. “Bands are always looking for experienced roadies, and that way you can still be on the road.” 

 

Sam didn’t know how to react.The rational part of him knew he should go home and figure out what he was going to do with his life, but the rest of him wasn’t ready to leave. Crowley’s warning about Gabriel rang in his head, but Sam shoved it away. He wasn’t giving up that easily. 

 

He fixed Gabriel with a determined stare. 

 

“I’ll take you up on that offer.” 

 


	4. Chapter 4

Being on the road with Gabriel was a hell of a lot different than being on the road with Dean. 

 

Sam hadn’t realized how… restrained he was when he was with Dean’s band. Sam had always considered Gabriel the “wild” one, with his crazy earrings and daring hairstyles, but he’d been wrong. 

 

Gone were the golden curls Sam loved, replaced with a hot pink mohawk, new jewelry dotting his normally undecorated ears. His clothing changed too, getting tighter and more loud, daring every single person in the room not to look at him. But the changes to Gabriel weren’t only superficial. 

 

Dean’s band knew how to have a good time - they’d toss a couple beers back after a show, maybe smoke a little weed, but they had nothing on Gabriel’s new band. Even the grueling music festival schedule was tame compared to the new pace set by The French Mistake. They spent every night partying, and slept the day away, only waking for practice and food. 

 

It wasn’t the late nights that gave Sam pause though, late nights were something that came with life on the road as he had come to know it. It was the drugs. 

 

There seemed to be an endless supply of drugs wherever they went, not just pot either. Cocaine, ketamine, ecstasy, anything anyone could ever want was at their disposal and Gabriel indulged them all. It started slowly at first, and gradually picked up speed the more time elapsed. Sam wasn’t surprised at the drugs, he had been to college after all, and he knew people who dabbled, himself included but what Gabrel was doing was more than dabbling, it was bordering on dangerous. 

Benny, Balthazar, Ruby, and Meg were all welcoming to Sam, but they didn’t seem as concerned with Gabriel’s drug use as he was. They just laughed it off. Gabriel didn’t think it was a problem either, teasing Sam about mother-henning him any time he brought it up. 

 

Sam thought about leaving, but in the end, his heart was stronger than his head. He wasn’t giving up, at least not yet. 

 

The holiday season brought a lull in gigs, and one by one, the band members went home to spend time with their families, all except Gabriel. Sam was in the midst of making his own plans when he overheard Gabriel talking to Balthazar about his plans for Thanksgiving, Christmas and the new year. 

 

“I don’t know,” Gabriel was telling Bal. They were old friends, Gabriel had told Sam when they joined up, and had grown up together. The three of them were enjoying a beer after band practice. Sam had gone inside to fetch a couple more, but hadn’t yet walked into view again. “We don’t celebrate in my family. You know that. Never have, never will. What’s the point?” 

 

“What about the kid?” Bal asked. 

 

“What about him?” 

 

“He staying with you or going home to see his family?” Balthazar elaborated. 

 

“Why would he be staying with me?” Gabriel responded. Sam could almost picture his face from the tone of his voice, his eyebrow raised towards his hairline. 

 

There was a pause. “Don’t tell me you haven’t seen the way he looks at you?” 

 

Sam felt heat on his face. Had he really been that obvious? He could hear his heart beating rapidly in his ears as he waited for Gabriel’s response. 

 

“He’ll get over it,” Gabriel replied, but his voice sounded different, without the confident cocksure attitude that he’d had before. “Besides, his brother would kick my ass.” 

 

“When has that ever stopped you before?” Balthazar joked. “Kid like that, exactly your type too. Tall, big hands, better to-” 

 

Sam stomped on the floor, pretending like he was just coming back from the kitchen. “Sorry that took so long, couldn’t find the bottle opener,” he handed one beer to Balthazar and then one to Gabriel. 

 

“Thanks, kid,” Gabriel didn’t look up. 

 

It took Sam a couple of days to get all the moving pieces of his plan in order, but by the time he was finished, he was confident he could pull it off. All he had to do was to get Gabriel to agree to it. 

 

He knew that part was going to be the hardest part of the entire thing. Gabriel was more like Dean than he cared to admit, once his mind was made up, it was extremely hard to get him to budge even an inch. 

 

They were both nursing hangovers one morning, hunkered down in the corner table of the tour bus when Sam asked. 

 

“So uhh… what are you doing for the holidays?” Sam asked casually, taking small deliberate sips from his coffee. 

 

Gabriel looked up from where his head was pillowed on his arms as he waited for his eggo waffle to pop out of the toaster. “Nothing, why?” 

 

Sam took a deep breath, this was it. “I.. I was wondering if you’d want to spend Christmas with my family, if you aren’t doing anything else.. I mean it’s nothing big, we have dinner, and my mom makes a mean apple pie…” 

 

Gabriel considered him, and for a moment, Sam’s heart sunk in his chest. But Gabriel surprised him. “Why not?” he responded. “Not like I’ve got anything else to do.” 

 

Christmas Eve found Gabriel driving the bus, with Sam in the passenger seat towards his mother’s place in Lawrence, Kansas. Ever since his parents had divorced, Sam and Dean spent Christmas Eve with their mom and Bobby, and then had Christmas dinner with their father, Kate and Adam. 

 

Sam’s parents had both been excited to hear that Sam was coming home for Christmas, and even more excited he was bringing a friend. They had heard about Gabriel from Dean, and were finally going to be able to put a name to a face. Despite their protests that they were excited, Sam was nervous for his family to meet Gabriel. It had been a rocky road for Dean at home after the fallout from his relationship with Cas, and even though his parents had said they didn’t care as long as Dean was happy, something didn’t feel quite right. 

 

“So is there anything I need to know before I walk in here?” Gabriel gave Sam a smirk. 

 

“Like what?” 

 

“Racist drunk uncle, handsy grandma, something like that?” 

 

Sam laughed and shook his head. “No, nothing like that. My dad and his wife are recovered alcoholics, so there’ll be no alcohol at their place, and we don’t have much family other than that. So nothing you need to worry about.” 

 

“Okay good. Is Cas coming?” 

 

“Your guess is as good as mine,” Sam shrugged at him. “The last time I spoke to Dean he said he’d ask, but that Cas might be spending Christmas with his dad.”

 

Gabriel’s smile receded. “Yeah…he normally does.”

 

Sam could tell from the tone of his voice something was wrong, but he didn’t want to push him. Gabriel rarely opened up to anyone, but he’d been telling Sam more and more the more time they spent together, so Sam just let it slide. Gabriel would talk to him when he was ready and no sooner. 

 

They drove the rest of the the way to Sam’s mom’s house in companionable silence. Sam’s mother had already started cooking, and wonderful smells swirled around them as they walked in with their bags. 

 

It was good to be home. 

 

Mary lit up when she saw her younger son, wiping her hands on her apron as she rushed out of the kitchen to hug him. “You’ve gotten taller, have you been eating enough?” were the first words out of her mouth. 

 

Sam gave Gabriel a sheepish grin. “Good to see you too, Mom. This is Gabriel.” 

 

“Hello Gabriel,” she offered her hand. “I’m Mary, I’ve heard so much about you from Dean.” 

 

“Good things, I hope.” Gabriel smiled at her, taking her hand. 

 

“Where is Dean anyway?” Sam asked, putting his bag down on the floor. The house was decorated beautifully, and Sam was a bit surprised that Bobby had allowed it at all. His stepfather wasn’t one for holidays, but he’d do anything to make Mary smile. “I didn’t see the impala in the driveway.” 

 

“He’s at the junkyard with Bobby, they’ll be home for dinner.” Mary replied, hustling back into the kitchen to continue cooking the feast. Sam was left to escort Gabriel up the stairs to his room. It hadn’t made sense for either Sam or Dean to move out at this point, not when they were spending majority of the time of the road anyway. Sam didn’t know what Dean had been doing since he’d left the band, because when Sam called, Dean was terse and tight-lipped. He didn’t want to talk about it, he was much happier listening to Sam recount his exploits on the road. Hopefully, he could get Dean to talk while he was home. 

 

“So uh… this is my room,” Sam opened the door, and then pointed to the door next door. “And that’s the guest room.” 

 

Gabriel nodded and headed inside, closing the door behind him. It was unlike him to be this quiet, but Sam left it alone for now. Gabriel was probably tired from the drive. Sam headed into his bedroom and began to unpack. 

 

~~~~

 

Sam didn’t see Gabriel again until he went to call him for dinner. He knocked carefully on the door, and when there was no response, he opened it. 

 

Gabriel was sleeping on top of the covers, and Sam put a gentle hand on his shoulder to rouse him. “Hey, it’s time for dinner.” 

 

Gabriel opened his eyes and offered him a sleep smile, and Sam’s heart stuttered in his chest. This was the Gabriel he so rarely got to see, the one who didn’t spend his time hiding who he was from the world in drugs and alcohol. “Hey, kiddo. I’m starving.” 

 

He sat up and stretched, his shirt riding up to reveal his stomach and hip bones. Sam swallowed and got up. “C’mon.” 

 

Gabriel followed him down the hallway and then down the stairs to the dining room. The table was set, decked out in red and green with their mother’s favorite china and the silverware she used only on special occasions. She’s decorated a small Christmas tree for the corner, and on the walls hung springs of pine with red bows. It always brought a smile to Sam’s face. 

 

He had no sooner gone to the kitchen to help his mother than Dean and Bobby came through the door. 

 

“Good to see you, boy,” Bobby barked, before heading upstairs to clean up. He wasn’t much of a hugger, and he was a man of few words, but Sam treasured the words he did say. Sam knew he was lucky, that he had both his father and stepfather in his life, but his heart dropped a little when he caught Gabriel watching from the other room. 

 

Dean ruffled Sam’s hair before following Bobby up before their mother yelled at him to wash his hands. Dean knew better than to try and dodge Mary’s wrath. They returned a couple minutes later, their faces and hands pink from being hastily scrubbed. Once Sam was done helping his mother, he slid into his seat between Gabriel and Dean. 

 

Bobby took Mary’s hand, and in his low, grumbling voice began to say grace. Sam bowed his head, and looked at Gabriel out from under his lashes. Gabriel had bowed his head as well, and when Sam looked over, stuck out his tongue at him. Sam choked down a laugh, disguised as a cough, and Dean kicked him under the table. 

 

Sam had forgotten how much he missed having dinner with his family, especially Dean. Their mother wasn’t the best cook, but it was easy to tell how much love she put into everything she made. It was almost like he’d never left. 

 

Dean… Dean on the other hand seemed half a different person. The light in his eyes when he was on the road, when he talked about the band or playing had been pushed back. It was still there, but something else had crept in and into the forefront. Sam was tempted to ask him about Cas, but there would be time for that later. 

 

When they were all full to bursting, Sam and Gabriel helped Sam’s mother put everything away and then retreated to the den with Bobby and Dean. Sam plopped down on the couch next to Dean. “So, how’s life?” 

 

“It’s going,” Dean responded shortly, taking a sip out of his beer. 

 

“How’s Cas?”   
  


For a second, Sam thought Dean wasn’t going to respond to him, and he exchanged a look with Gabriel, but then Dean spoke. 

 

“He’s okay. Depending how long you’re staying, you might see him when he gets back from his dad’s place.” 

 

“So you guys are… still together then?” 

 

“If you read the tabloids, we’re engaged and having a baby.” Dean said sardonically. “I’m surprised they haven’t started a baby pool yet.” 

 

Gabriel deadpanned “You didn’t even tell me I was going to be an uncle!”

 

Dean’s lips curled and he rolled his eyes. “Remind me why we’re friends again?” 

 

“So you can scoop the babes I leave behind?” Gabriel cracked a joke. 

 

“How’s the road?” Dean asked, and Sam was grateful to have Gabriel along with him. On the phone, Dean always had some excuse not to talk about the band or life on the road, but with Gabriel here, he couldn’t avoid it. Gabriel wouldn’t let him. 

 

“How’s the farm?” Gabriel shot back. 

 

“It’s not a farm, I’m a-” 

 

“If it’s not the road, it might as well be a farm,” Gabriel took a mocking sip from his beer. “And you know it.” 

 

Dean was silent, but not for long. 

 

The rest of the night was spent drinking and wise-cracking, and by the time they called it a night, Sam’s sides hurt more from laughing than he ever remembered. But he felt like something was off. Despite all the laughing, Sam would catch a brief sad look cross Gabriel’s face when he thought no one was watching him. 

 

Sam’s first thought was he missed his family on Christmas, or at least Cas. As far as Sam knew, Gabriel hadn’t seen him since the band split, and he didn’t spend much time on his phone, not like Sam’s weekly phone call and daily texts to his own family. He made a mental note to suggest they visit Cas before heading back out. Hopefully that would make Gabriel smile, he thought, as he undressed and slipped into his bed. 

 

~~~~

 

Sam awoke only and hour or so later to the sound of movement in the room next to his, followed by footsteps and the front door closing. His first thought was maybe Gabriel forgot something in the van, but second stretched into minutes and Gabriel didn’t return. 

 

Sam slipped into his jeans, and boots and shrugged into his hoodie, stuffing his phone into his pocket. He carefully crept down the stairs, avoiding the creaky step in the middle and walked out the door into the snow. 

 

The flurries of an hour ago had turned into a full blown blizzard, and the ground was covered with at least two inches of snow. He could still see Gabriel’s footprints in the snow and they weren’t leading to the van, they led out into the street. 

 

Sam’s heart was pounding as he began to run, following the footsteps even though he couldn’t see more than a few feet in front of him. 

 

“Gabe!” he called into the night, trying to be heard over the din of the storm. “Gabriel!?”

 

He didn’t know how far he’d gone before he saw a small figure in the distance, carrying a backpack over his shoulder. Sam hurried towards him, hot with exertion despite the frigid temperature. “Gabe?” 

 

Gabriel turned to him, his face pink from the cold. “Uhh hey kiddo,” He started. 

 

“Don’t hey kiddo me!” Sam said. “It’s freezing out here, where are you going?” 

 

“I….I… uhm..” Gabriel stammered. “Somewhere… else? You should go home. Dean and your mom are gunna be worried.” 

 

“Not until you tell me what’s going on!” Sam protested stubbornly, wrapping his arms around himself to try and keep warm. “Why did you leave?” 

 

Gabriel sighed, and turned to look at him. “I don’t belong here. I’m intruding…”

 

“I invited you, we want you to be there,” Sam argued back. Now the sweat he’d worked up while running after Gabriel had begun to freeze and dry, leaving him chilled. “Now c’mon, let’s go.” 

 

“Christmas isn’t my holiday,” Gabriel told him, beginning to trudge forward again against the blustering wall of snow. “I get it, you felt sorry for me. It’s okay, I’ll see you in a couple weeks.” 

 

“I want you there, I want-” 

 

“I know what you want,” Gabriel said quietly. “I can’t give you that, Sam. Go home.” 

 

Even in the cold, Sam could feel his cheeks flame up with heat. Gabriel knew, had known about his feelings for god knew how long? “I...I’m not going to let you freeze.” 

 

“GO HOME!” Gabriel broke, and screamed at him. He stormed off, walking determinedly down the street. 

 

Sam stood there with snowflake swirling around him, landing in his hair and clinging to his eyelashes. He knew he should listen, just go home, but this wasn’t about him, something was upsetting Gabriel, and he intended to find out what. 

 

He wrapped his arms more tightly around himself and trudged after Gabriel, trying not to slip in the accumulating snow. Gabriel just kept walking, but every once in awhile, Sam caught the turn of his head as he looked over his shoulder to check if Sam was still there. 

 

Finally he stopped. 

 

“You’re f-f-fucking s-s-stubborn, you know that?” Gabriel said with chattering teeth as Sam caught up to him once more. “Your lips are b-b-blue.” 

 

“S-s-so are yours,” Sam shot back, with a small smile. “I-I’m not leaving you to freeze.”

 

“So we’re b-b-both gunna freeze then.” 

 

Sam looked around. With the snow falling all around them, he didn’t exactly know where they were. He didn’t know how long they’d been walking, or where they were, but there was the glow of a neon sign. 

 

“I don’t know the way b-b-back home,” Sam admitted with a sheepish grin. “But it looks like there’s something over there, and we can call Dean to c-c-come get us.” 

 

Gabriel nodded, and began to walk. 

 

“Something over there” turned out to be the crappy hotel right off the interstate but it was warm, and let Gabriel and Sam stand by their wood stove while Sam called Dean. 

 

“Hey Dean. Can you come and get us?” Sam asked as soon as Dean picked up the phone with a yawn. “We’re out at the Rainbow Motel.” 

 

“Whaa?” Dean rasped into the phone. “How the the hell- I’m not even going to ask. The snow is coming down in buckets, Bobby and I’ll come get you in the morning with the truck.” Dean hung up, leaving Sam listening to the dial tone. 

 

“We’re gunna have to stay here tonight.” Sam told Gabriel as they got a room at the front desk. It was only a full size bed, but it wasn’t like they hadn’t shared a bed before. Gabriel was quiet as they walked to their room. 

 

“They’ll come get us tomorrow, and we’ll be just in time for presents and my Mom’s pancakes.” 

 

Gabriel didn’t say anything, he just flopped down on the bed. 

 

“What’s up, Gabe?”  Sam asked, as he sat down on the bed next to him. “You’ve been acting weird all day.” 

 

“I’m fine,” Gabriel replied, a little too quickly for it to be true. “It’s just… nevermind.” 

 

“You can tell me.” 

 

Gabriel seemed hesitant, but finally he started talking. 

 

“When we were kids...Cas went off to his dad’s house on Christmas… He always came back with expensive clothes and presents, and Mom tried. I know she did, but… I always felt like Santa didn’t like me as much as he liked Cas. I tried to be so good, but it never made any difference.” 

 

Sam had the sudden urge to hug him. He couldn’t imagine how painful that must have been for Gabriel. He could hear it in his voice, see it in the way he held his body, like at any second the ceiling was going to fall on his head. 

 

“One Christmas, when Vince came to pick Cas up, I asked if I could go with him,” he faltered. “He laughed at me, said one groupie bastard was enough for him.” 

 

Sam felt a surge of anger at Vince Vincente for how he had treated Gabriel. He was a child, he hadn’t known any better.  Sam edged closer to Gabriel and carefully put his arm around him. Gabriel didn’t pull away, instead moving closer against Sam’s side. 

 

“Christmas was always just me and my Mom,” Gabriel kept going. “Never anything like your house.” 

 

The more Gabriel talked, the more Sam understood why he’d left. After all the let downs, Christmas was something that was painful for Gabriel, and being around Sam’s family only made it more clear what he never had. 

 

“I know it looks perfect now,” Sam told him, nestling his nose in Gabriel’s hair as he held him. “But it wasn’t always like that… Before my Mom met Bobby…” Sam swallowed. He didn’t want to talk about it anymore than Gabriel had, but Gabriel had opened up to him, it was only fair. “It was rough. My dad was still an alcoholic, my mom was working three jobs just to make ends meet. We didn’t have a lot either. One Christmas, Mom had to work, and we only had Lucky Charms for dinner.” 

 

Gabriel looked up at him. “I didn’t know that,” he said, rubbing at his eyes in a way that suggested he’d been holding back tears. “I’m sorry I’m an idiot, kiddo, and that we’re spending Christmas Eve in a dingy hotel instead of with your family because I’m a mess.” 

 

Sam held him tighter, his heart expanding just a little when Gabriel squeezed him back. 

 

“We can be messes together.” 

 


	5. Chapter 5

Sam had thought that maybe the episode at Christmas, Gabriel opening up to him with the dirty details of his life would steer him off the path he was headed down, but he was wrong. 

 

Gabriel wasted no time in picking up exactly where he’d left off before Christmas, drinking heavily  and partying hard into the night. They were right back where they started, except one thing had changed. Gabriel had always laughed off Sam’s concerns, but now he began to get aggravated with them, slamming doors and yelling when Sam asked if he was okay or suggested he should slow down. 

 

Sam found no support from the rest of the band, but that didn’t surprise him in the least, as they were on the same path Gabriel was. None of them cared as long as there was a steady supply of alcohol and cocaine coming their way. 

 

Sam had had enough. He didn’t know who else to turn too. He called Chuck. 

 

Chuck picked up the phone on the second ring, sounding much like he always did, calm and unflappable. “Hey Sam, what’s up?” 

 

“It’s Gabriel.” 

 

The calm air of his voice immediately evaporated. “What’s wrong? Is he okay?” 

 

“He’s…” Sam didn’t know how to say it. “He’s going down a path that’s not good for him. I’m worried about him, but he keeps saying he’s fine.” 

 

Chuck sighed. Sam could almost picture him running a hand absentmindedly through his curly hair, leaving it a total mess. “It’s drugs again, isn’t it?” 

 

“Yeah…” Sam trailed off. 

 

“I thought we’d gotten past this,” Chuck replied. “His mother and I… we both used to have problem with drugs, but we’ve both been clean for years. Gabriel dabbled for awhile. He went through a hard patch, we came down on him hard, we didn’t want him to go through what we did, but there’s always been that temptation for him. It never really goes away.” 

 

Sam listened. He knew Chuck was sober, but only because Dean had mentioned it in passing, Chuck wasn’t one to talk about it, and Sam didn’t blame him. He had seen the struggles his own father went through when he’d gotten clean. “What can I do to help him?” 

 

Chuck signed again. “There’s not much you can do. You can’t help someone who doesn’t want to help themselves,” 

 

Sam’s heart sunk in his chest a little. He knew it, had known always it, but he had hoped beyond hope that Chuck would give him something, anything to make Gabriel listen to him. Chuck had know Gabriel his entire life, had practically raised him, and if he couldn’t help, then what chance did Sam, who had only known him for a year and change, have? “He’s going to kill himself if he keeps it up the way he’s going.” 

 

“I hope it doesn’t come to that, Sam.“I’ll tell you what, I’ll meet you guys at the next venue, see if I can get through to him there.” Chuck said, as if he could feel Sam’s anxiety. “ I’ll bring in his mom if I have to. I can’t guarantee it’ll work, but it’s worth a try. ” 

 

Sam’s chest loosened just a bit. Even if Chuck was just saying it to make him feel better, it was worth it. “Thank you,” he breathed. 

 

“Anytime, Sam. I’ll see you soon.” 

 

~~~~

 

Sam didn’t tell Gabriel about his call to Chuck, nor did he tell him about Chuck’s intended intervention. As Sam figured it , Gabriel didn’t care about Sam’s thoughts on the matter of his drug abuse, so Sam simply found someone else to talk to about it, someone who could hopefully settle the matter. In the meantime, Sam did his best to distract Gabriel from his mission to put himself into an early grave.

 

He lost track of the times he hid Gabriel’s stash, or made his drinks with water instead of vodka. He made him drink water, gave him tylenol to stave off his hangovers, sat up at night to make sure he woke up at all. 

 

Sam wished he could say the days until their next show sped by, but they didn’t. They crawled by, feeling like each day took an entire week to pass. With the lack of sleep, and long days of putting up and breaking down sets, Sam was beyond exhausted. He knew he couldn’t keep this up forever, but hopefully, he wouldn’t have to.

 

The night of the show, Sam was all nerves as he waited on tenterhooks for Chuck to arrive. Gabriel had been useless at rehearsal earlier that day, and he was currently sleeping it off in the van. Chuck still wasn’t there by the time Sam went to wake him up, but Sam still had faith. Chuck wasn’t one to bail once he’d given his word, he’d be there. 

 

Sam saw him sneak in towards the end of their third song, with a tall woman whose hair was the same color was Gabriel’s. They slid along the back wall, and then made their way forward, until they were standing right by the stage. 

 

It took Gabriel a little while to notice them, and the devil-may-care attitude he’d been sporting evaporated almost instantly. He stood up straighter, as if trying to appear more in control of himself. Even the sound of his music changed, from something loose and uncaring, to a more consistent sound. 

 

Gabriel did not look happy. 

 

By the end of the show, Gabriel had evolved from unhappy to outright pissed, the clench of his jaw making that abundantly clear. He completely avoided Sam as he came off the stage, handing his bass to another roadie, and escaping out the side door, before Sam could get to him. 

 

Leaving the others to clear the stage, Sam tried to follow Gabriel, but lost him in the crush of activity after the show. He did however manage to catch Chuck. 

 

“Hey Sam.” Chuck smiled at him. “This is Naomi Novak, Gabriel’s mother,” 

 

Sam held out his hand and Naomi took it. “Hello Sam, I’ve heard a lot about you.” 

 

“It’s nice to finally meet you,” Sam smiled at her. “I’m glad you guys are here.” 

 

Chuck’s smile dropped just a little. “I can’t guarantee anything, but we’ll see what we can do. You want to bring us to the green room?” 

 

Sam nodded and began to wend his way through the throng of moving people, Chuck and Naomi following closely behind him. The security guards at the door, paused only a moment, but they let Sam in, with a quick explanation of who his guests were. 

 

Balthazar, and Benny were already gone by the time Sam opened the door. Meg and Ruby were both sitting on the couch, getting ready to go out and they barely looked up as Sam crossed the room to where Gabriel was changing his shirt. He didn’t look up. 

 

“Uhh, Chuck and your mom are here.” Sam said finally, looking at Chuck for some sort of backup. 

 

“Hey baby,” Naomi said, getting closer to her son. It was clear to Sam that Gabriel took after his mother. He had the same coloring, the same smile, only their eyes were different. “Chuck and I thought we would stop by to see you.” 

 

Gabriel looked up, making eye contact with Sam. “You can leave.” 

 

“Gabe, I-” 

 

“Just go, Sam,” Gabriel replied shortly. 

 

Sam avoided Chuck’s sad smile and crossed the door the way he came, closing the door loudly behind him, and making his way out towards the venue bar. There was nothing he could do now but wait. 

 

He was surprised when Ruby and Meg joined him a couple minutes later. 

 

“Hey, I need three shots of whiskey,” Meg addressed the bartender, pulling out the stool next to Sam. “And keep them coming.” 

 

“I’m fine, thanks,” Sam told her, but Ruby pushed a shot towards him anyway. 

 

“You don’t look fine,” she countered, knocking back her shot with ease. “You look like you need a drink. Now drink up.” 

 

Sam almost rolled his eyes, but Meg was having none of it. “Don’t roll your eyes at me, Sammy,” she smirked at him, passing over another shot. “It’ll make you feel better.” 

 

He wasn’t going to argue with that, his nerves were shot anyway, so he knocked back one shot after the other. 

 

“So you want to tell us what’s going on?” Ruby ventured, motioning for the bartender to bring over a glass of water. 

 

“Not really but-” Sam started, but Meg cut him off. 

 

“But you’re going to tell us anyway?” 

 

Sam sighed. What did he have to lose really? From Gabriel’s reaction, he’d be surprised if Gabriel would ever talk to him again. As long as Gabriel was safe, and alive, it was all worth it. “I asked Gabriel’s mom and Chuck to come,” he admitted. “I didn’t know what else to do. He doesn’t care what I say anymore. ” 

 

Ruby and Meg exchanged a glance, and Meg put a hand on his shoulder. “You can’t save everyone, kiddo. You’re better off without him.” 

 

“Yeah,” Ruby agreed, leaning into Sam’s space with a lascivious smile. “You’re cute, you could have anyone you want.” 

 

Sam wanted to argue with them, that wasn’t what this was about. He cared about Gabriel, and it wasn’t just a physical attraction. He missed the Gabriel he’d come to know before they’d joined The French Mistake, the Gabriel without the drugs, and booze and groupies, the mischievous, clever, intelligent man he met all those months ago. 

 

Ruby and Meg didn’t know who they were missing. The only Gabriel they knew was the one who didn’t care about anything other than his next hit, or the next notch in his bedpost, not the man who Sam had fallen for. 

 

But there was nothing Sam could do now but wait, and hope. He slid off the bar stool without another word, and retreated back to his room. 

 

~~~~

 

Sam was awoken several hours later, when his door flew open with a loud crash. 

 

“What the hell Sam?” Gabriel said, pushing his way into the room. Sam could smell the alcohol from where he was sitting. “I thought we were friends.” 

 

“We are friends,” Sam insisted. “I was worried about you.”

 

“I don’t need you to worry about me!” Gabriel got louder, and Sam stood up at the side of his bed. He didn’t want to fight, he was bigger than Gabriel was, but he didn’t want to get hurt either. Gabriel wasn’t normally a violent drunk, he got very giggly and handsy, but he was mad now. 

 

“You need someone to!” Sam protested. “You’re going to to kill yourself with the way you’re going!” 

 

“So you thought it was alright to call my parents!?” Gabriel yelled, his hands coming up from his sides. “You didn’t have any right to do that! You’re not my keeper, and you’re not my boyfriend, despite your best efforts.” 

 

“Gabe, that’s not-” 

 

“That’s not what, Sam?” he shouted. “Not why you betrayed me?” 

 

“Betrayed you!?” Sam couldn't believe what he was hearing. “I didn’t betray you! I’m trying to keep you alive!” 

 

Gabriel took a step forward, coming even closer to Sam. “You don’t need to save me! I don’t have a problem.” 

 

“Really?” Sam sniggered. “Who are you trying to convince? Me or yourself? I’ve been down this road before, I know what addiction looks like, Chuck and your mother-.” 

 

Gabriel’s nostrils flared with anger. “Don’t you dare talk about my mother! I want you to leave, Sam. Go home.” 

 

“I’m not going anywhere!”

 

“You’re fired,” Gabriel bellowed. “If you aren’t gone by tomorrow morning, I’ll have security remove you.’ And with that, he was gone, slamming the door behind him. 

 

Sam stood there, frozen in shock at what had just happened. He had assumed Gabriel would be mad at him, but this had not figured into the equation. When the shock gave way, Sam was surprised to feel a warm burst of anger rush over him. He had just been trying to help, but if Gabriel wanted him to leave, fine. 

 

Sam began angrily stuffing his belongings into his bookbag. He didn’t have much, just a couple changes of clothing, his laptop, e-reader and his phone. He’d learned to travel light, and the only mementos of his time on the road that he’d kept were a steadily growing photo album in his computer hard drive. 

 

He was lucky that it wasn’t cold, and that the nearest bus station was only two miles away. He wasn’t going to ask any one for a ride, he was too angry to even contemplate talking to them. Slipping on his old coat and boots, Sam threw his backpack over his shoulders and stomped out of the bus. He’d been walking for a half hour before he realized he’d forgotten Dean’s leather jacket in his room. Sam debated leaving it, but Dean would kill him if he came home without it, and he could always catch the next bus. 

 

With a sigh, he turned around, angry at himself for forgetting it. He didn’t want to face Gabriel again, didn’t want to get caught running away with his tail between his legs. He spent his trip back coming up the an excuse for returning, and going through possibly conversations in his head. 

 

He needn’t have worried.  Everything in the van was dark and still, like everyone had gone out. Sam breathed a sigh of relief as he walked up the stairs and into the living room, flicking on the light. Someone was there, someone was laying sprawled out across the sofa, their arms and legs locked into a tremor. 

 

It was Gabriel. 

 

Every trace of anger was wiped from his body as Sam crossed the room and dropped to Gabriel’s side. It was quickly replaced with fear, when Gabriel didn’t move. 

 

“Gabe?” Sam shook him lightly, hoping to rouse him. He was hot to the touch, burning up as if with fever. “Gabe, c’mon, wake up.” 

 

Gabriel didn’t respond, his head lolling from side to side. There was a crust of white powder in his nostrils, and vomit on his chin. Sam saw more on the floor and white powder residue on the glass of the coffee table. 

 

“Gabe, please,” Sam shook him harder, his heart pounding with panic. But Gabriel didn’t respond. Bending over, he could feel Gabriel’s breath, but it was far too shallow and quick for his liking. Suddenly, he was seized the another horrible tremor, and Sam called 911. 

 

“Hello?” His clammy fingers found Gabriel’s pulse, thready and rapid beneath his skin. “Please, I think my friend overdosed.

 

“Hold on, Gabriel, Please…” 


	6. Chapter 6

Gabriel opened his eyes. 

 

He was groggy, and he felt sore all over. There was something on his face, and the lights above him were far too bright. There was also a weird smell, something almost sterile and it burned his nostrils. 

 

“Where am I?” his throat felt raw, and he tasted the metallic tang of blood in his mouth as he spoke. 

 

He didn’t remember much, it all ran together in his head. His mom and Chuck coming to his show, their lecture, the drugs. There were other memories that held the blurry quality of a high, crashing doors, screaming, Sam….

 

“You’re in the hospital, Gabriel,” Sam said, and his voice was gruff, like he hadn’t slept in days. “Do you remember what happened?” 

 

“Some of it,” Gabriel said, trying to sit up. The monitors around him started beeping furiously and he laid back down. “Some of it...is fuzzy. What happened?” 

 

“You… you overdosed,” Sam leaned forward on his knees. “You almost died.” 

 

“You called my mom,” Gabriel added. “Why did you do that?” 

 

Sam sighed and looked at him. His eyes were bloodshot and heavily bagged. “Because you’re my friend, Gabe. I don’t want you to die. I didn’t know what else to do, I wasn’t trying to hurt you, I just…” 

 

Gabriel felt sick, and it wasn’t just his condition. Sam was the only real friend he’d ever had, the only one that loved him enough to call him on his shit, even if it made Gabriel push him away. He’d put Sam through hell the past couple months, all because he was too scared to admit his feelings for him, too scared to admit he had a problem with drugs. He didn’t want to die, but the drugs made him feel so good, like he could forget all of his problems and just enjoy himself. 

 

He didn’t have to think about anything else but the high, and the fun he was having with the people he was with. It wasn’t until later that his insecurities caught up with him, and he would silence them with more drugs. It was a vicious cycle, as Gabriel ran from himself. 

 

He was a coward, and Sam deserved better. 

 

“I know,” Gabriel admitted, throat hurting as he spoke. “I… I’m sorry, Sammy. For everything, I shouldn’t… I didn’t… I think I need help.” 

 

He knew he needed help. Sam was right, had been right all along. If he kept going this way, he knew he could die, and what was worse was, that thought didn’t scare him as much as it should have. He loved living, but maybe dying wouldn’t be such a bad thing. Other than his family, and for a short time, Kali, he never had anyone that gave a damn about him other than superficially. Kali left him for his cousin, and he was sure his family would get on fine without him. Cas had Dean, his mother was… his mother, but it was only recently he had come to terms with the fact, that he couldn’t do that to Sam. 

 

Sam mattered to him, a lot more than he cared to admit, and he’d almost lost him due to his own stupidity. 

 

Gabriel looked at Sam, the bags under his eyes, the stoop of his spine as he sat in the rigid hospital guest chair. This was what Gabriel had done to him, hurt him, broken him, almost forced him to lose someone he cared about, even if that person was a piece of garbage. 

 

He couldn’t ask Sam for help, he didn’t deserve Sam’s help, but Sam was the only one outside his family that wanted what was best for him and wouldn’t hesitate to tell him he was being an asshole.  “Will you help me?” 

 

Sam looked up at him and for a moment, Gabriel thought he just going to get up and leave. Gabriel wouldn’t have blamed him in the least if he did, he deserved it after all that had happened between them, but he didn’t. Instead Sam rose from his chair and hugged him, wrapping his arms around Gabriel’s body, his chest over his shoulder. 

 

“That I can do, but you have to do one thing for me.” 

 

Gabriel swallowed. “Anything.” 

 

“Don’t scare me like that again.” 

 

~~~~~

 

Sam agreeing to help him did not come without strings. Under his smiling exterior, Sam was a hardass who let him get away with nothing. Gabriel had at least expected some time to recover at home after leaving the hospital, but Sam was leaving nothing to chance. With the help of Chuck and Naomi, he went directly from the hospital to an out-patient rehab facility near where Naomi lived in California. He was back under his mother’s roof with Sam helping in any way he could. 

 

It was annoying at first, being watched at every turn and being forced to talk about his feelings with strangers, and Gabriel lost count of the times he almost snapped, but he was happy to have Sam there when the withdrawal hit. 

 

Withdrawal was no joke. He vaguely remembered Balthazar recounting one of his bad episodes, but he had never thought it would happen to him. In the haze of addiction, he hadn’t even considered it, but now, it hit him like a ton of bricks. 

 

He was laying on the floor the first time Sam found him, his stomach cramping and his skin cold and clammy. He had almost accepted death when he felt Sam’s cool hand on his forehead, and then being pulled up into Sam’s lap. 

 

“It’s gunna be okay, Gabe,” Sam was saying, his hands running comfortingly through Gabriel’s sweaty hair. “I got you.” 

 

Gabriel didn’t deserve him, he knew that. He’d known it from the moment Dean had brought Sam and his puppy grin and hazel eyes on tour with them. Gabriel had nothing to offer Sam in return, not money, or fame, or hell even a job anymore, but Sam stayed anyway. Sam stayed despite everything, and for that, Gabriel was thankful. 

 

Another wave of tremors hit him, and he held Sam’s shirt more tightly as he struggled through them. He felt like he wanted to vomit, but there was nothing in his stomach anymore, and he turned to dry heave. 

 

“I’m sorry Sammy,” he said once he had finished. “I’m sorry.” 

 

Sam’s fingers dug into his scalp just a little. “Stop, Gabe,” he replied quietly. “We’ve been through this. You don’t need to be sorry. It’s alright.”

 

“No, it’s not, Sam” Gabriel insisted, taking a deep, ragged breath as the tremors subsided. “The way I treated you, everything I did-” 

 

Gabriel felt the warmth of Sam’s lips on his forehead. “It’s all forgiven. You can pay me back when you get better.” 

 

Gabriel resisted the urge to pull Sam down and really kiss him. “How am I going to that?” 

 

“You could start with dinner.” 

 

~~~~~   
  


Gabriel hadn’t been this nervous for a date in years. He hadn’t been on a date in years, but who was keeping count really? He’d showered twice already in preparation and changed his outfit three times before he was ready to walk out the door. He’d graduated from his rehab program last week, and Sam had planned something to celebrate. Maybe it wasn’t a date, maybe he was assuming too much, but the comment Sam had made about dinner all those weeks ago, stuck out like a shining beacon in Gabriel’s mind. 

 

He didn’t even know if Sam liked him anymore. Gabriel really wouldn’t blame him, between the drugs, his past history and seeing him puke, he knew he wasn’t a catch. But Sam had stayed. Gabriel had made it clear that Sam could go home, that he was under no obligation to help him, but Sam had always brushed those words aside with a kiss on Gabriel’s forehead. 

 

Those kisses, as innocent as they were, drove Gabriel crazy. There were so many times he had resisted the urge to pull Sam down and kiss him for all he was worth, but he hadn’t. Gabriel had once told Sam that he wouldn’t lay a hand on him unless Sam wanted it, and he remained committed to that statement. 

 

Sam had something planned, but he wouldn’t tell Gabriel what. All he would say was to meet him in the kitchen. Gabriel was unable to stop his palms from sweating as he walked into the kitchen. Sam was dressed in a green button down shirt that brought out the hazel his eyes, and a white apron. His hair was damp, his face a little pink from where he had scrubbed it, but the think Gabriel noticed the most was his smile. He was grinning ear to ear, and it made the long-dormant butterflies in Gabriel’s stomach flutter. 

 

“You look nice.” Sam said, his lips pulling back to reveal his teeth. 

 

“I clean up well sometimes, what can I say?” Gabriel couldn't help returning Sam’s grin. It was infectious. “What do we have here?” 

 

There was food laid out across the counter, vegetables, meat and spices in little plastic baggies. There was also several recipe cards, with large vibrant pictures. It looked to be a meal subscription service, with all the necessary ingredients portioned out separately. The recipe that Sam had lying on top was for Southern Tuna Croquettes. 

 

“Here put this on,” Sam laughed, and tossed him an apron. Gabriel caught it and stared at it. 

 

“What this for?” He asked. He didn’t know how to cook, he couldn’t even boil water without burning it. “I can’t cook.” 

 

“Neither can I,” Sam chuckled as he looked over the ingredients and pulled a knife and cutting board from under the counter.   “But I thought it could be fun for us to cook together.” 

 

Gabriel raised an eyebrow. “Only if you’re okay with ordering pizza.” he quipped. “Where are Chuck and my mom?” 

 

“They went to a concert,” Sam replied, pushing the cutting board and an pepper towards him. “Couldn’t have them dying of smoke inhalation, now could we?” He took the baggie labeled “collard greens” and slit it open with his knife. “You chop.” 

 

Gabriel took the plastic bag with half a red pepper in it and tore it open. “I’ve never cut a vegetable in my life.” 

 

Sam leaned over the recipe, his eyes scanning the instructions. He made quick work of cutting the stem out of the collard greens, and rolled them into long, thick tubes. 

 

Gabriel stared the pepper down, he hadn’t been lying. His mother hadn’t been the best cook, and most of the time, they went out to eat, or brought something back. He stole a quick glance from the recipe, leaning into Sam. He could feel his cheeks flush when they brushed together, and he quickly pulled back before he embarrassed himself. 

 

According to the instructions, he needed to remove the ribs and seeds from the pepper and then finely chop it. He knew what seeds were, but he’d never heard of ribs in a pepper before. Still, with Sam shredding the kale like a pro, he didn’t want to look like an idiot. 

 

Gabriel started by cutting the pepper in half horizontally, and removing the gnarled stem. He shoved his hand into the top, and scrapped all the slimy white seeds into the garbage. There was nothing else inside save some white membranous material in the places the pepper dipped. Those could be ribs, he mused, as he began to cut out the ridges. 

 

“What are you doing?” 

 

Gabriel looked up at Sam, who moved to the next step and was chopping dates into smaller pieces on his cutting board. “I’m removing the ribs.” 

 

Sam stifled a laugh, but only barely. “Those aren’t the ribs, the ribs are the white stuff on the inside, and who taught you how to cut a pepper?” 

 

Gabriel stuck out his tongue. “No one, I told you” he replied. “Why don’t you come over here and show me, Emeril?” 

 

Sam’s ears turned pink at that, and he hesitated before moving over to where Gabriel was standing. He picked up the pepper Gabriel had mutilated in his hand. “Okay, so you just slide your knife under it like this,” he said. “And done. Think you can handle the rest?” 

 

It was Gabriel’s turn to flush. “I think I can.”

 

It took him sometime, but eventually he had cut not only the peppers but the celery and onions too. They weren’t pretty, but as Sam mixed them with the sweet potatoes and seasoning, Gabriel suspected they would taste alright. 

 

Sam started to make the croquettes, leaving Gabriel to put together the salad, adding the chopped dates and collard greens to red cabbage and dosing it liberally with the supplied chive-Dijon dressing. Gabriel wasn’t normally one for greens, but this looked delicious. Sam finished up and put the croquettes into the pan. 

 

By the time everything was done, Gabriel’s stomach was growling. He’d been so enthralled with Sam, he’d barely noticed he was hungry. 

 

He couldn’t remember the last time he had laughed so hard, or felt so comfortable in someone else’s presence. Talking and joking with Sam was as easy as breathing now, there was no image to maintain, no fans to impress, just them. Sam knew him, knew the real him and Gabriel could finally be himself. 

 

Despite Gabriel’s terrible chopping job, dinner was amazing. Gabriel couldn't say he was surprised, not with Sam heading their dinner. 

 

“That was good,” Gabriel sighed, leaning back and unbuttoning his pants. “Really good.” 

 

Sam playfully rolled his eyes as he put his fork down. “Well I can’t take all the credit,” he smirked at him. “Green Chef helped.” 

 

“Touche, smartasse, touche,” Gabriel joked. “But in all seriousness, thank you.” 

 

“It’s just dinner,” Sam got up from his seat with his plate. 

 

Gabriel followed. “I mean for everything,” he insisted, carrying his plate over to the dishwasher. “I can’t repay you.” 

 

Sam opened the dishwasher and put his plate inside, his face flushing again. “You don’t need to repay me, Gabe. I’m just happy you’re better.” 

 

“I need to do something,” Gabriel shot back. Sam had gone above and beyond for him, he’d done what was best for Gabriel even when Gabriel had pushed him away. He’d saved his damn life, and there was no way Gabriel could let that slide by with no recognition. “You saved me, Sam, let me do something. Please-” 

 

“No, It’s fine-” 

 

“It’s not, Please let me-” 

 

“Yes, it is. I don’t need-” 

 

“C’mon, Sammy. Anything-” 

 

Sam exhaled hard through his nose, his nostrils flaring and he took a step forward. Gabriel went to step back, but he’d run out of real estate, and his back was now pressed against the counter. 

 

“You don’t have to repay me, Gabe,” Sam said in a soft voice, his breath ghosting over Gabriel’s cheek. “I’m here because I want to be here.” 

 

“After how I treated you, I don’t know why.” Gabriel added, and Sam’s eyes bulged a bit. 

 

“Because...  because… oh fuck it,” Sam stammered, lunging forward and kissing Gabriel hard. 

 

_ Finally  _

 

There was nothing tender about this kiss, about the way Sam’s lips met Gabriel’s with an almost painful clack of teeth, but Gabriel did not care in the slightest. He kissed Sam back eagerly, pulling him down by his shoulder and then his hair once he’d gotten to it. 

 

“Why is it so hard for you to believe that I actually care about you?” Sam said breathlessly, once he pulled back. Gabriel chased his lips up, but Sam was too tall for him to reach them. 

 

“Because…because no one has for a long, long time,” Gabriel replied. He felt lighter admitting it. “They always want one thing or another.” 

 

“I don’t,” Sam said, pushing the hair back from Gabriel’s face. “I just want you.” 

 

“Well...you got me,” Gabriel beamed up at him, pushing up on his tippy-toes to kiss Sam again. His heart was pounding in his chest, it all felt too good to be true and for a moment, he thought maybe he was hallucinating it all. But Sam kissed him back with a groan, pinning him against counter with his body. 

 

He twined his fingers in Sam’s hair, pulling him down farther to where he could reach him better, nibbling at his lower lip as he did. He was bracketed in between Sam’s arms as he braced himself against the edge, leaning so the height difference between them was less pronounced. 

 

Suddenly Gabriel felt Sam’s hands against his thighs, and with one quick motion, Sam picked him up and put him on the counter like he weighed nothing. Such a simple action shouldn’t have turned him on so much, but already his erection was making his jeans unbearably tight. Sam leaned in closer to him, until he was pressed flush against Gabriel’s thighs. 

 

Gabriel tried to bite back a moan at the friction, but he failed miserably, and Sam pulled away with a wicked wicked smile. He repeated the action, this time deliberately. A whine escaped Gabriel’s lips. 

 

“Feel that good huh?” Sam teased, massaging Gabriel’s thighs through his pants. 

 

“Shut it, Winchester.” 

 

“Or what?” 

 

Gabriel didn’t dignify that with a response. He surged up and kissed Sam again, this time allowing his hands to roam Sam’s body. He touched every inch of him that he could reach over his clothing at first, teasing his nipples through his thin cotton shirt, palming him over the denim of his jeans. If Sam could play dirty, then so could he. 

 

Sam wasn't shy with the noises he made in response, especially when Gabriel finally touched him, skin to skin under his shirt.  Carefully Gabriel undid the buttons of Sam’s shirt, and yanked it off his shoulders, leaving Sam’s top half bare and fully accessible to Gabriel’s questing hands. Gabriel could have spent hours mapping Sam’s skin with both his lips and fingers, but it seemed Sam had other ideas. 

 

Without breaking their kiss, Sam began to undo Gabriel’s buttons one by one, sending shivers over Gabriel’s skin as the cold air hit him. His shirt joined Sam’s on the floor. 

 

His hands were hot on Gabriel’s chest, his ribs, his belly, his hips. They warmed him as Sam moved, touching every part of his bare skin before landing on the fly of his jeans. Gabriel sucked in a ragged breath as he began to undo them, and even though he didn’t want to stop, he found himself stilling Sam’s hands. 

 

“Sammy… we don’t have to  rush… we can wait if you want,” 

 

Sam looked at him, his pupils as wide as saucers. The look on his face almost broke Gabriel's heart “Do… Do you want to stop?” 

 

“No,” Gabriel kissed him again, cupping his cheeks in his palms. “I don’t but I don’t want you to feel like you have to do anything.” 

 

Sam caught his lip between his teeth for a moment. “You said you’d never lay a hand on me unless I wanted it. I want it, so go ahead.” 

 

Gabriel didn’t stop again. He took full advantage of Sam’s consent, and undid the button on his pants. Sam growled deep in his throat as Gabriel touched him, pushing up against his hand. Finally he touched him skin to skin, stroking him slowly as Sam hardened in his hand. With Sam’s height, Gabriel had expected him to be big, and he was not disappointed. 

 

Sam hissed as Gabriel eased his pants down so he could take him out fully. He clearly wasn’t content with being the only one exposed, and he made quick work of the fly of Gabriel’s pants as well. Gabriel gasped as Sam thurst carefully forward, touching their cocks together. 

 

He looked around for something to use for lube. Using nothing might be sexy now, but friction burn would suck later. His eyes lit up when he saw the bottle of olive oil. Gabriel grabbed the bottle from the counter next to him and drizzled some of the cold oil into his hand. Sam groaned when he finally wrapped his hand around both of them and began to stroke, the cool oil feeling like heaven on his heated flesh. Sam added his hand to the mix, enveloping Gabriel’s and covering the area that Gabriel’s smaller hands didn’t 

 

All Gabriel could focus on was the feel of their combined hands on his cock, and Sam’s ragged breath in his ear. Nothing else mattered in that moment. He pressed his lips lazily to Sam’s, enjoying the taste of him while simultaneously enjoying his touch. What was better was he trusted Sam, he knew Sam wasn’t going to leave and break his heart after this. Warmth bloomed inside him along with his building release. 

 

Sam came first with groan, over Gabriel’s knuckles, his lips still firmly against Gabriel’s lips. Gabriel came a couple strokes later, pushed by the tremors that shook Sam’s body in the aftermath. 

 

Sam leaned his sweaty forehead against Gabriel’s as he released them both. “Next time...the bedroom.” 

 

Gabriel laughed. “Whatever you want.”


	7. Chapter 7

Gabriel loved watching Sam sleep. 

He knew it was a little creepy, but he was addicted. It was rare that he woke up earlier than Sam, and when he did, he took the opportunity to just lay next to him soaking it all in. Sam’s face was so expressive when he was awake, alway full of life even when he was still, but there was something to be said about his face at rest. 

Gabriel didn’t know how he’d fallen so deep so quickly. He’d always been drawn to Sam, but once he’d allowed himself to let go, Sam had been surprisingly easy to fall in love with. He was funny, and way too smart for someone like Gabriel. He couldn’t fathom why his last girlfriend had broken up with him, but secretly he was happy she had, because now Sam was his. 

Sam shifted in his sleep, rolling over with his back to Gabriel. He snuggled closer until he was flush against Gabriel’s front and then settled back to sleep. 

Gabriel held him, his ear pressed against Sam’s back listening to the steady thumb of his heart. How had he even found himself here, living with someone, with a steady job, and being perfectly content with both. He found that he actually liked teaching guitar and bass and he had a pretty steady stream of people willing to pay him to do it. It wasn’t as exciting, or ever-changing as life on the road, but Gabriel found himself enjoying it nonetheless. Sam was there when he got home, they made dinner and showered together every night. He went to bed knowing Sam cared about him. It was kind of wonderful. 

Gabriel was pulled from his thought by Sam moving, his bottom grinding back against Gabriel’s crotch. Gabriel bit his lip to stifle a gasp, he’d woken up half- hard and Sam’s ass rubbing against him wasn’t exactly making the situation any better. He tried to slid back, but Sam had his arm caught in a vice grip. There was nowhere he could go. 

Sam wiggled again, and this time Gabriel was unable to stop the moan that spilled from his lips. He was only human after all, and he couldn’t help it when the memories of last night came tumbling into his head unbidden, of Sam riding him until he couldn’t remember his own name. 

The rubbing continued until Gabriel felt something suspicious, Sam’s hand touching him gently under the blankets, positioning him between Sam’s legs. 

“I know you’re awake, Sammy.” he whispered, thrusting up playfully. 

“Shhhh no, I’m not,” came the sleepy reply. “I’m sleeping beauty, you have to ravish me for me to wake up.” 

Gabriel laughed, burrowing his face into Sam’s back. “I’m not sure that’s how the story goes, but I don’t read, you could be right.” 

He rolled over and grabbed the bottle of lube and a condom from his bedside table. Sam watched him with a feral smirk over his shoulder as Gabriel tore open the foil packet, and rolled the condom over his cock. He squirted a dollop of lube and warmed it up between his fingers. Gabriel wrapped his free arm around Sam’s middle, giving his cock a stroke as he ran his slicked fingers around his entrance. 

Sam keened as Gabriel gingerly pushed a finger inside of him, and then a second. He was still stretched from last night, but Gabriel wanted to make sure he’d be okay. He pushed it and out slowly, rubbing at the tiny nodule inside of him. 

“Gabe…” Sam whined. “Need you, please.” 

“Almost ready, baby,” Gabriel slicked the remaining lube onto his cock, and pressed the head against Sam’s entrance. Then he carefully pushed inside of him. 

Gabriel didn’t think he’d ever get used to the feeling of being with Sam. He never stayed with anyone long enough to get comfortable with them, for the sex to get boring, or so he’d thought. He’d found that there was something to be said for sex with the same person. There was no learning curve anymore, and he no longer had to ask Sam if he liked something, he just knew what Sam liked. It took performance anxiety out of the equation all together, and that made everything so much better. 

Gabriel thrust gently upward, pressing open mouthed kisses into Sam’s spine. There was no rush, just slow, hard strokes, drinking in every little whine and whimper Sam made. Gabriel wrapped his hand loosely around Sam’s cock, stroking him in time with his own movement. 

“Fuck… Gabe…” 

“I got you, baby,” Gabriel growled, nipping at Sam’s shoulder blade. “I got you.” 

He punctuated each word with another thrust, and Sam pressed back against him in response. Gabriel could feel the pressure growing low in his belly, heat spreading out from his groin upwards. He stroked Sam harder, twisting up when he got to the head, just the way he knew Sam liked it. 

He stole a glance upward at Sam’s face, studying the graceful curve of his neck, the look of pleasure that overtook his features. He would never go tired of it, of this, he was sure of it. He picked up the pace as he felt his arousal growing, wanting to make sure Sam came before he did, and by the noises Sam was making, Gabriel knew he was close. 

He came a couple moments later, clenching around Gabriel in the most delicious way. Gabriel was a goner. 

“Fuck, Sammy,” He moaned, burying his face against Sam’s back as his orgasm overtook him. “I love you.” 

They laid their quietly in the afterglow, snuggling until their breathing slowed back down to normal. Gabriel pulled out of him gently, tied the condom off and threw it in the garbage beside the bed. He laid back down and pulled Sam against him to snuggle. 

“Do you mean it?” Sam asked after a moment, turning over to face Gabriel. 

“What?”

 

“You said you love me… do you mean it?”

Gabriel felt panic well up inside him. The only person he’d ever said those three words to and smashed his heart in a spectacular fashion. But Sam wasn’t Kali. He felt the panic subside. 

“Yes.” He replied, and then he waited. 

“I love you too.” 

~~~~~

Gabriel should have known it wouldn’t last. 

He’d always known he wasn’t cut out for the domestic life, the day to day drudgery of it all. It was stressful in a way he hadn’t accounted for. He loved Sam and he loved being with him, it was the rest of it that got to him. 

That was when the cravings started to get bad. 

Even after the withdrawals stopped, the cravings never really did. He’d be good for awhile, but then the next craving would hit him full force. When he was happy and busy, they were easy to ignore, but when he wasn’t, well that was a different story. 

It started like a mosquito bite, an itch that crept across his skin and into his very bones. There were times he could practically taste the booze on his tongue, the grit of cocaine on his nostrils, and it took everything he had not to go out and find it. He would curl up, and think of Sam, thinking of the life they had together, and breathe until it went away, but it was getting harder and harder to do. 

Gabriel wanted to talk to Sam about it, he really did, but he was ashamed of the fact he was having this problem. Sam had been so happy for him when he graduated from rehab, he’d been more supportive and wonderful than a failure like Gabriel had any right to, and Gabriel didn’t want to disappoint him again with his weakness. So he kept it inside. 

Sam was working late one night,preparing for an upcoming trial, when Gabriel made his first mistake. He’d gone out to get a burger, even with Sam’s help, his cooking didn’t amount to much more than scrambled eggs and grilled cheese, and he wanted something more substantial. 

The Roadhouse was a pub down the corner from their place, that served the best jalapeno poppers that Gabriel had ever had. They went there regularly, and the hostess smiled when she saw him.

“No Sam tonight?’ She asked , as she lead him to the their normal table. 

“He’s working, so you’ll only have to put up with me tonight Ellen,” He grinned back at her. He slid into the red pleather booth, where he normally sat, and ordered what he normally ordered, a huge cheeseburgers smothered in sauteed mushroom and caramelized onions, with a side of french fries and an appetizer of jalapeno poppers. 

Once Ellen was gone, Gabriel put his head down and let out a huge sigh. This week had been hellish, if he was being honest with himself. His music lessons, which had started out so promising, had been dwindling and his best student had just quit. He’d spent the better part of the day posting flyers, and talking to people at the local music stores, but he didn’t have high hopes. He was lucky he had Sam, and that Sam made money they could live on. He just wasn’t sure how much longer that would last. 

Sam had been wonderful, but Gabriel knew that he would eventually realize how much better he could do that a washed out addict who couldn’t keep a steady job. Gabriel had been pushing that thought away for longer than he cared to admit, but he had to come to terms with it eventually. The more he thought about it, the more he wanted a drink. Everyone around him seemed to be drinking, and he could smell the spilled beer from the bar, and feel the bubbles in his nose. 

Someone slid into the seat across from him.

“You doing okay there, honey?” 

Gabriel’s head shot up. “What are you doing here, Meg?” 

Meg grinned at him, putting her drink down on the table next to him, whiskey and soda from the smell of it. “What’s got your panties in a twist?” 

Gabriel rubbed his eyes. “Nothing, stress that’s all. How are you doing?” 

“Great. The new bassist you suggested is working out really well,” she said. “How is Sam?” 

“Good. I’m glad, Uriel isn’t the most talkative guy, but he’s a hell of a bassist,” Gabriel replied, breathing in through his nose. Meg was swirling her drink, and the smell was even more powerful than it had been before. “Sammy is good, he’s at work.” 

Meg put her drink down. “He’s a good kid, I’m glad you two finally figured it out,” 

“You and me both,” Gabriel returned, with a slight smile. “He’s too good for me.” 

“I wouldn’t say that,” she said. “You guys should come see us play, we’re in town for the next week or so before we head out on the road again.” 

“We’ll see. Sam’s been busy with work, and I’ve had some openings for new students and -” 

“You can just say no,” Meg quipped. “It’s alright, We won’t get offended. You got something good going on here, even if it’s boring, and you don’t want to mess it up.” 

Gabriel didn’t say anything. Meg had read him like a book, he knew that if he looked back on the life he had too much, it would be too easy to fall back into it. Even now, it called to him, the rush of the road, the freedom that it had afforded him, like a siren’s song. He knew he shouldn’t tempt it. 

“I’ll see you later, Gabe,” Meg got up. “Take care of yourself.” 

“You too,” he replied, and with that, she was gone, but she left one thing behind. 

Her drink. 

It was right there in front of him, only a mouthful. He knew he should go put it on the bar, or ask Ellen to take it away, but he couldn’t. Who would know? Sam wasn’t here, Ellen didn’t know anything about his prior life or problems. He would just look like a normal guy, having a drink. His hand wrapped around the sweating glass before he’d even had a chance to register what he was doing. 

He’d been so good for the last year, he hadn’t touched a drop but surely one drink wouldn’t hurt anything, would it?

Gabriel pressed his lips to the rim of the glass, the scent of whiskey rising up to greet him as he tipped it back into his mouth. It was only a sip, but the flavor exploded over his tongue in an intense burst, and he savored the burn as he swallowed. 

Disgusted with himself, he put the glass back down on the table, and pushed it as far away as he could. Ten months of sobriety down the drain, because he was weak. Gabriel wanted to throw up, nauseous at the thought of Sam finding out. 

But Sam wouldn’t find out, would he? Unless Gabriel told him himself, Sam would be none the wiser. 

A burst of adrenaline shot through him. He could handle it, one sip couldn’t hurt him. He was more powerful than one sip of whiskey. 

But drowning only started with one sip. 

Sam woke him up several hours later, and Gabriel groaned. His head was pounding, and it took him a moment to focus on Sam’s face. 

“Hey Gabe, you okay?” 

Gabriel blinked up at him. “Yeah, I’m alright...just a migraine,” he lied. “I took something for it before I went to bed, but it’s still pretty bad.” 

Sam kissed him on the forehead, tucking the sheets around him. “Try and go back to sleep, I’ll get you an ice pack.” Sam smiled at him, and walked out of the room. 

Gabriel sank down in his sheets, partly from relief that Sam hadn’t smelled the booze on him, and partly from shame. After he’d left The Roadhouse, he’d stopped at a liquor store, and bought a small bottle of Jack Daniels. The headache he was struggling with was no migraine, but a hangover brought on by drinking the entire bottle. He didn’t remember showering or getting into bed but he did remember smashing the bottle, and throwing it in their neighbors recycling, where he knew Sam wouldn’t find it. 

He felt like total garbage, and it wasn’t just the hangover. Sam had put his faith in him, trusted him, saved his life, and Gabriel had repaid him by going for the bottle the moment he was gone. Sam came back with the ice pack, and melted his heart with one look. 

He carefully put the ice pack on Gabriel’s head, and Gabriel swore to himself, that he wouldn’t let him down. 

He did it again after he finished the bottle of vodka he’d bought a week later. 

And again with the bottle after that.

Over and over, he swore and he swore and he swore but his addiction had it’s claws in him again. Next time he wouldn’t buy the alcohol, next time he would pour it down the train. Next time, next time, next time.But that time never came. He just got better at hiding it. 

Until he wasn’t. 

The apartment was dark when he got home, even though Sam should have been home. He hadn’t texted to say he was stopping anywhere after work, and if he’d been home and left, the lights would be on. 

The door was still locked, and he slid his key in and carefully opened to door. He was not prepared for the burst of light, when someone else flicked it on. 

Sam was sitting on their couch, with four bottles of half-full alcohol lined up across the coffee table. 

 

Gabriel’s heart dropped into his stomach. He thought he could quit before Sam caught on, but it was very clear from the scene before him that he’d again overestimated his will-power and underestimated Sam. 

“Sam…” 

“You know when you started acting differently, I thought you were cheating at first,” Sam said, his voice catching just a little. 

“I wouldn’t do that,” Gabriel somehow found his tongue in his dry mouth. “Look, this isn’t-” 

“Don’t say this isn’t what it looks like, Gabe,” Sam cut him off. He still wouldn’t look at him. “Because we both know this is exactly what it looks like. You’re better than that.” 

Gabriel swallowed hard. There was a hard edge in Sam’s voice that he hadn’t heard before, and he could feel it all the way down in his belly. “I can quit anytime,” he replied, trying to push down the bile that had risen into his gullet. “I was stressed, It’s not a problem..” 

Sam finally looked up at him and Gabriel saw the tears caught in his lashes. “Cut the bullshit,” he said. “We both know that’s not true. It’s me or the booze.” 

“You didn’t hear me,” Gabriel protested weakly. “It’s not a problem, Sammy. I can quit anytime, I can-” 

“No, I heard you. I just wanted to hear you say it.” Sam responded, blinking rapidly. “Dean’ll pick up my stuff.” He stood up, and crossed the room towards the door. 

“Sammy!” Gabriel called after him, as the realization of what he’d just done passed over him. “You… I pick you… Sam… please.”

But Sam had already slammed the door behind him.


	8. Chapter 8

Gabriel groaned as the sun hit his face. 

His vision was fuzzy as he blinked the sleep out of his eyes and his mouth tasted like a dirty ashtray. There was someone warm laying in bed next to him, someone tall and male, with curly blonde hair, and definitely not the girl who had been there the day before, or the purple haired transman the day before that. 

He forced himself up, looking around the at the hotel room that he knew wasn’t his, and gathered his things. It took him less than five minutes to slip out, and onto the street without even saying goodbye. He’d lost count of how many times he’d done the same thing.

Gabriel squinted into the later afternoon light. He didn’t even know what day it was. They had all blurred together after the day Sam left, and nothing mattered all that much to him anymore. 

He’d long finished the bottles that Sam had lined up on the table, and gone through several dozens more. He wasn’t even coherent when Dean came and got Sam’s things, they were just gone when he woke up, and the only thing that told him Dean had even been there, was the black eye that had stared back at him when he looked in the mirror. He supposed he deserved that one. 

There was no trace of Sam left in their apartment, after a while, even his smell faded from the sheets they shared, and Gabriel was forced to wash them. With no money coming in, it didn’t take long for him to be evicted from their apartment, and go back to live with his mother. 

His mother was not happy to see him in this state, but Gabriel gave her credit for having him in her house at all after how far he had fallen. Cas refused to speak to him, ignoring his calls and texts, before blocking his number. Gabriel didn’t blame him for that either. 

He spent most of his daylight hours in a perpetual state of hangover, until he got it together enough to get up and start the whole cycle again. More often than not, he ended up in someone’s bed, trying to bury Sam under someone else. He just kept coming back, reminding him over and over of what he’d lost, of who he’d hurt. Gabriel couldn’t escape him though, no matter how many people he slept with or how much liquor he consumed.

Gabriel took the bus back to his mother’s house, trying to keep from throwing up the entire time. He couldn’t remember the last time he ate, but maybe with his stomach the way it was, it was for the best right now. He wasn’t 21 anymore, and his hangovers had easily doubled in intensity. 

His mother wasn’t there when he got home, the whole house was empty and dark as he unlocked the door and pushed his way in. In a way, he was glad she wasn’t there. Even though Gabriel knew his mother loved him, he could see the sadness and disappointment in her eyes everytime she looked at him. 

He plopped down on the couch, reaching for the stack of mail he knew was his. Most of it was junk mail, flyers and coupons that he ripped up and threw into the recycling, but one stayed his hand. 

It bore a yellowing forwarding address sticker on the bottom right corner, the address of his and Sam’s apartment printed on the front. It was a flyer from Hello Fresh, the meal subscription service that Sam had ordered for their first date. “We Miss You!” it said, and Gabriel crumbled. 

This is why he had avoided romantic relationships, the fallout. It hurt so badly, that he didn’t want to go on. He knew the round the clock drinking was a way to drive Sam out of his head, and his heart, but it didn’t work. It only made it worse. He clutched the postcard in his hand, remembering that first date, laughing with Sam over peppers, kissing him, feeling good sober, and with it, the almost overwhelming feelings of loss. Gabriel had no one to blame but himself for this. 

He wondered if he still had any whiskey hidden upstairs, or if his mother had tossed it like she always did when she found it. He went to get up, but another memory stayed him.

Sam in his bed the first night he’d been sexiled by Dean and Cas. His embarrassment over changing in front of Gabriel, hiding under his blankets from him. Them talking afterwards. Gabriel could hear Sam’s voice in his head as he talked about his own heartbreak. 

“Even though it sucks, and I miss her, I don’t regret loving her.” 

Tears pricked in Gabriel’s eyes. Did he regret loving Sam?

No. He didn't regret it, despite the fact that it hurt so much right now. Being with Sam was the happiest he had ever been, and he missed him more than he’d ever missed anything in his life. Gabriel had thrown it all away, and continued to do so on the regular basis. Sam had saved his life, had shown him that he was someone worth loving, given him his love without any strings, and Gabriel had spat in his face. 

He knew that if he kept doing this, he was going to drink himself to death, and he wouldn’t waste the gift that Sam had given him any more. 

Gabriel picked up the phone and dialed the number.

“Chuck?” he said into the receiver. “Can you pick me up?” 

~~~~~

In-patient rehab made the outpatient he’d attended before look like preschool. He was never alone, always being watched by a doctor, a nurse, or other staff. They kept the patients so busy during the day, Gabriel was often asleep as soon as he hit the pillow. The withdrawal, though terrible, was easier to deal with this time, despite the fact that it was a stranger helping him through it instead of Sam. 

His one gripe, other than the bad food and lack of television, was the fact that he couldn’t see anyone for the first six months he was there. The thought was the temptation to smuggle in contraband greatly decreased the more time had passed since admission. Gabriel didn’t know if it actually worked, but he knew his family wouldn’t have done that any way. 

He was a little surprised by his first visitor. He’d been talking to his mom on the phone, or on occasion Cas, who was talking to him again now that he was in rehab, but he hadn’t really heard from Chuck since he dropped him off. So he was a little surprised when he saw Chuck’s name on the visitor’s roster. 

Gabriel was nervous as he waited in the visitor’s room, waiting for Chuck and sipping the garbage that passed for coffee here. What was so important the Chuck couldn’t tell him over the phone? 

Chuck entered the room looking distinctly ruffled in a way Gabriel recognized, that he’d been running his hands through his curly hair over and over again. He knew from experience Chuck did that when he was nervous or agitated, and it only made Gabriel’s own nervousness worse. 

“Hey buddy,” Chuck said, sitting down in the chair across from him. “How are you doing? You look good!” 

Gabriel’s eyebrow shot up. “We both know that’s a lie, I look like shit, but thanks for playing,” 

“At least you haven’t lost your sense of humor,” Chuck quipped with a smirk. “That would be a tragedy.” 

“Nope, just everything else, my job, my apartment, the love of my life,” Gabriel ticked off on his fingers. 

“Well you still have your mom and I,” Chuck said. “And Cas. We’re not going anywhere.” 

Gabriel resisted the urge to remind him that Cas hadn’t talked to him for months. It didn’t matter now anyway. The past was the past, there was nothing he could do to change it, only let it teach him to be better in the future. “Yeah,” 

“When you come home,” Chuck added hastily. “You can stay with me if you want. Dean was talking about maybe getting the band back together.” 

Gabriel raised an eyebrow. It was the first he’d heard of it, but then again, he hadn’t had much contact with anyone outside of his family for the last six months. He was honestly surprised. Dean had seemed set on that being it for the band the last time he’d seen him, but he supposed something could have changed his mind. He was betting on Cas. “I don’t think that’s a good idea, the band I mean.” 

“Why not?” 

“It’s just not,” Gabriel rubbed the back of his neck. He didn’t have a plan of what he was going to do when he got out of here, he’d failed at life on the road, and at home. He didn’t know if he could handle fucking it all up again. 

“That’s not the Gabe, I know,” Chuck told him, leaning forward on his forearms. “You’ve wanted to be in a band on the road since you were a kid.” 

“Maybe I’m not that guy anymore,” Gabriel protested. The truth was he wanted to be that guy still, but he was scared to be him without the alcohol. Part of the road was the booze, how could he stay sober and still do it? He wasn’t good with temptation. 

Chucked seemed to know without Gabriel telling him, he always knew. Ever since Gabriel could remember, Chuck had known him better than he knew himself. “Or you’re scared.” 

“So what if I am?” Gabriel replied. He had every right to be after what he’d been through. The road to where he was now hadn’t been an easy one. It had taken him almost dying and losing everything that he held dear to make him realize it. “I almost killed myself, I lost Sam, I’m not strong enough for that all the time.”

Chuck studied him carefully. “I’m not going to push you. I know it’s not easy being sober. Lord knows I’ve struggled with it for twenty years. I wish I could tell you it gets easier, but it doesn’t.” he said, threading his hands together. “But you won’t be doing it alone. I’ll be there with you.” 

“Because that worked so well last time,” Gabriel replied sarcastically. 

Chuck was having none of it. “Last time you didn’t admit you had a problem. You can’t help someone if they don’t want your help. That’s exactly what I told Sam,” 

Gabriel’s heart gave a painful squeeze. Of course Sam had asked Chuck how he could help him. Gabriel didn’t know much about the call Sam had made to his parents, only that they came to stage an intervention. It was a topic he had steered clear of when they’d gotten together, a painful reminder of a painful episode.

“You can still be that guy, if you want to be that guy,” Chuck said, his tone soft and comforting. “I can help you.” 

“Why?” 

“Why what?” 

“Why would you help me?” Gabriel burst out. “You and Mom have always done whatever you could for me, even when I was an asshole to both of you. I was such a punk growing up, I treated you both so badly and… Mom… Mom has to love me. Why do you keep risking it for me? I don’t deserve it.” 

“You don’t have to be related to care about someone, Gabriel,” Chuck said, and there was a tightness in the way he said it. “The band cares about you. Sam cares about you. Sam could have walked away when you were out of the hospital, but he didn’t.” 

“Yeah, and look where that got him.” Gabriel added. “I ruin everything I touch.” 

“You didn’t ruin me,” Chuck replied, looking up at him. “The day you were born was the best day of my life.” 

Gabriel just stared at him. As far as he knew he’d met Chuck when he was a kid, that was what Naomi and Chuck had both told him all his life. What was he talking about? 

Chuck sighed. “Your mother and I… we wanted to wait until it was the right time… but it never was the right time… and I’m sorry, Gabe,” he stammered. “I- I’m your father.” 

“What?” Gabriel could barely process the information that had just been dropped on him. Chuck was his father? How could that be? He tried to do the math in his head. “But I’m… you are… you would have only been…” 

“Fifteen,” Chuck supplied the answer for Gabriel’s bumbling brain “I was fifteen when you were born.” 

“Jesus,” Gabriel breathed. He couldn’t even imagine being a father now, at twenty-seven, let alone fifteen. 

“Her parents were not happy,” Chuck kept going. “I think they blamed me for your mother being an alcoholic, and they wouldn’t let me see her. By the time I even found out, she was already six months along, and they send her to live with her grandparents.” 

Gabriel’s mother hadn’t been very helpful when he asked about his father. When he asked as a child, she said she didn’t know who he was, and that was the end of the conversation. He’d tried similar tactics with Chuck, hoping his mother had told him something she wouldn’t tell Gabriel, but he had been even more unhelpful. Eventually he just stopped asking. 

“Her grandfather slammed the door in my face when I showed up on his doorstep looking for your mother,” Chuck sighed. “Looking back it wasn’t the best plan of attack, but I was confused and desperate. I ended up moving there for the remainder of her pregnancy. They tried to bar me from the delivery room, but your mother… when she wants something, she lets you know it.” 

Gabriel laughed at that. His mother was a forceful woman, especially when she was denied something she wanted. He could almost picture her in labor, screaming at anyone who would listen. “What happened after that? I remember meeting you for the first time, when I was … like five?” 

Chuck rubbed the back of his neck sheepishly. “I knew from the moment I first held you that I wanted to be a part of your life. We tried to make it work, your mother and I, but we were both so young, and we were better off as friends. I was still drinking, and I wasn’t safe for you to be around. Your mother moved back in with her parents,” he paused. “By the time I got clean and got myself together, she was with Vince, and was pregnant with Cas.”

“So you guys just didn’t tell me?” 

“I think she was still hoping it would work out with him, I don’t know,” Chuck answered. “We decided to tell you when you were older, we didn’t want to confuse you.” 

“I’m almost thirty!” Gabriel said, his voice cracking just a little. “Were you gunna wait until I was old and gray?” 

“No,” Chuck replied. “ I was- we were going to tell you when you turned eighteen, but-” 

“But what?” Gabriel wanted to know. “You guys missed the boat on that nine years ago!” 

“It was a mistake,” Chuck hung his head. “You had just gotten it together and we didn’t want to send you off the rails. You were fine not knowing.” 

He’d been asking about his father since he was a kid, and they withheld it from him. Anger flamed up real and hot in his stomach, but was suddenly quenched when he thought about what Chuck had done for him. Chuck had always been there when he needed him, he’d cleaned his cuts, picked him up after he fell, held him when he cried. He had already been doing all the things that father did for their children, loved him, protected him. 

Chuck could have easily walked away, Gabriel wouldn’t have blamed him. He could have been a holidays only Dad, like Vince, throwing money at his son to make up for the fact he didn’t spend any time with him. Chuck hadn’t done any of that. He was loving and hands-on even in his role as “family friend” instead of father. 

He had always been Gabriel’s father, regardless if he held the title or not. 

Gabriel rose from the table before he could consciously register he was doing it. Chuck met him in the middle and and pulled him into a tight hug. 

“It’s okay, buddy,” he said, and hope surged through Gabriel’s body. “It’s all gunna be okay.”


	9. Chapter 9

“Hello?” 

 

“Hey Sammy,” Dean’s voice cracked over Sam’s phone. “How’s it going?” 

 

Sam paused. Where did he even begin? He had three finals to study for and a paper on the M'Naghten rule to write before he could breathe easy with his first year of law school behind him. “It’s going,” he quipped. “How are you? How’s Cas?” 

 

“He’s good, we’re both good,” Dean responded. “Listen, we have a big show here in a couple weeks. You should bring… uh what’s her name… sorry, and come see us play. The guys would love to see you.” 

 

“Amelia. We broke up,” Sam informed him.  

 

“Sorry to hear that. Hey, you know what they say, to get over someone, you gotta-” Dean began. 

 

“I know, Dean,” Sam said tiredly into the receiver. “I’ll think about it okay? I have a lot of work to do before the semester ends.” 

 

“All work and no play makes Sammy a dull boy,” Dean replied. Sam could almost here his smirk through the phone. “It’s just one show.” 

 

“Alright,” Sam agreed, anxiety already manifesting in the pit of his stomach. “I’ll see you then,” and he hung up. 

 

Pulled from Perdition had gotten back together right before Sam started law school, with all its original members. The initial outcry over Dean’s sexuality and his relationship with Cas had died down, and the tight knit group of fans had outed Becky from their circle. Even though there were still places that refused to book them, they found at least three other places that would to each rejection. Sam was truly happy for Dean, for the rest of them, but it was painful to think about. 

 

Gabriel had come back too. 

 

Sam wasn’t entirely surprised, but the way Dean told it, Gabriel was practically a new person, and what was more, he was completely sober. According to Dean, with Chuck’s help he’d gotten himself into a strict in-patient rehab and stayed for almost a year. There was also the revelation that Chuck was Gabriel’s father. 

 

Sam supposed he should have seen that from a mile away. He could only imagine Gabriel’s reaction to that, after wondering about his father for his entire life, he’d been there all along. Whatever might have happened between them, they were both back in the band, almost like they’d never left. 

 

Sam had done everything in his power to get over Gabriel. He’d mourned him, dated other people, even had one night stands, but everything he had tried had failed to root Gabriel out of his heart. That was the reason he felt so anxious about going to see them play. He didn’t know if he could handle seeing Gabriel again, not when his heart still ached for him. 

 

He was sure that Gabriel had moved on from him by now, broken a dozen hearts in rehab. He didn’t have a snowball's chance in hell with him, even if that’s what he wanted. Sam knew he shouldn’t want it, not after what happened, but walking away from Gabriel had been the hardest thing he’d ever done. He’d replayed it over and over in his mind, analyzed it from every angle. He knew he was right to walk away, but that didn’t make it easier. 

 

If Gabriel had gotten over him, maybe he could bear it. Maybe seeing him again, seeing him sober, could help him find closure on their relationship. 

 

Then he could move on with his life.

 

Maybe. 

 

~~~~~~~~~

 

The show came quicker than Sam would have liked. He was so bogged down with finals and papers and studying that he didn’t have time to prepare himself for anything. A vip ticket, and travel itinerary arrived in his email inbox, care of Dean, and no amount of arguing that Sam couldn’t afford it, that he couldn’t take Dean’s money would change his mind. 

 

Sam found himself waiting outside the same airport he waited for Dean all those months ago, full of hope and heartbreak. A black car pulled up to the sidewalk but it wasn’t Dean, it was Cas. 

 

“Hello Sam,” 

 

“Hey Cas,” Sam grinned at him as he climbed inside, trying to ignore the nervous feeling in his stomach. “How have you been?” 

 

The car lurched forward, and then merged into traffic. “I have been good,” Cas responded, only giving him a small glance before looking back at the road in front of him. “Very busy. Dean’s very excited to see you.” 

 

“I’m excited to see him too, and the rest of the guys,” Sam admitted carefully. “It’s been awhile.” 

There was a moment of silence between them, a hesitation as they both felt the elephant in the room. Sam wanted to ask about Gabriel. Despite the fact that he gave up his right to care about him openly when he walked out, he still wanted to know he was okay. 

 

He knew Cas didn’t blame him for breaking up with Gabriel, he’d told him as much when he found out about it from Dean, but Gabriel was still his brother, and Sam knew they had reconciled when Gabriel had gone back to rehab. None of it made it any less awkward. 

 

“How is… Gabriel?” 

 

Cas kept his eyes on the road, both hands firmly on the steering wheel. “Gabriel is doing well. He’s been sober for a couple months now, with Chuck as his sober buddy. They have a seperate van than the rest of us, but it seems to be working out.” 

 

Sam wanted to know more, he wanted to know everything. How Chuck had told Gabriel he was his father, how Gabriel reacted, how he was dealing with sobriety. But he held his tongue. 

 

The rest of the ride was quiet, small talk here and there about Sam’s studies and the band’s time on the road. Sam had heard most of it from Dean already, but he was happy Cas was telling him about it anyway. It almost made him miss it. 

 

There were plenty of times Sam had thought of going back on the road. He missed Dean, and Crowley, Cas and Chuck, the camaraderie. He missed the traveling, seeing so many different places, and getting to meet different people. He missed the spontaneity of doing what he wanted when he wanted, but he didn’t miss the hardship of it, or the actual work, or any of the temptation that went with it. While it had been fun while it last, it wasn’t who he was. He just didn’t crave it the way Dean did. 

 

They pulled up to small bungalow, not far from the beach. Sam could hear the waves as he slipped out of the car and grabbed his bag from the backseat. “Another one of Vince’s places?” He asked. 

 

“No,” Cas replied as he walked up the walkway towards the door, keys in hand. “Mine, and Dean’s” 

 

Sam raised an eyebrow, it was the first time that he’d heard Cas and Dean had moved it together, let alone homeowners. He made a mental note to give Dean hell later for not telling him. He followed Cas inside without a comment, and walked into the house’s foyer. “It’s really nice.” 

 

He wasn’t lying, the bungalow was light and felt spacious despite the small footprint. There were plenty of windows and even if it was dark now, Sam could tell there’d be plenty of natural light come morning. He recognized Dean’s taste in decorating, framed hard rock posters and records adorning the living room wall, under which was Dean’s prized collection of vinyl. 

 

“Dean wanted to be near the beach,” Cas explained, putting his keys in a dish. “Not that we get to spend time here much anyway.” 

 

“You will,” Sam assured him, with a gentle pat to his shoulder. “I’m gunna hit the hay, I’m spent from the plane ride. Good night.” 

 

Cas nodded. “Your room is up the stairs, second door on the left, across from the bathroom,” he replied. “Good night Sam.” 

 

Sam headed up the stairs, his bag thrown over his shoulder. He was beyond beat from traveling and the nervousness didn’t help him either way. He had debated turning back, faking sick, but he knew that Dean would see through him in an instant if he tried to back out. 

 

He was just going to have to deal with it. 

 

~~~~~

 

Sam supposed he should have enjoyed the first part of the day he had to himself. By the time he work up, early by even his standards, Cas was gone and there was a note on the kitchen table. 

 

_ Sam,  _

 

_ A car will be by to pick you up at 7. I left an extra set of keys on the table. There’s beer in the fridge and beach chairs in the garage. Have fun.  _

 

_ -Cas _

 

He raided the fridge, made himself breakfast and then sat down outside with his coffee to eat it. There was something relaxing about being able to watch the ocean crash against the shore as he was eating, hearing the crash and the scream of the sea gulls as they flew over head. He only wished he was able to enjoy it without the building simmer of anxiety. 

 

All he could think about, even has he finished his breakfast and headed down to the beach, was tonight, seeing the band again, seeing Gabriel. He tried to lose himself in the sand and the sun, laying out with a book he’d been dying to read, but hadn’t gotten the chance to yet, but his mind kept straying. 

 

Memories of the two of them together kept popping into his head, Gabriel promising to take him to the beach, Gabriel getting sunburned from hiking, talking about their future. He kept trying to push them away, he had been trying for the better part of a year, but he hadn’t made any headway. 

 

Sam eventually gave up on his book and decided on the ocean instead. Maybe a bracing swim in the cool water would help him make the most of this short vacation. He hadn’t been swimming in the ocean since he was a kid, and he vaguely remembered a trip with Dean and his mom to the shore on one of her rare weekends off. 

 

The water was colder than he expected for late May, and he gasped for breath as he came up for air. He looked around, for a moment getting lost in the flatness of the water all around him. It stretched out for miles around him, and from where he was treading water, the shore was a thin band of yellow, sparkling in the sun. He had the urge to swim farther out, but something stopped him. 

 

Sam wanted to stay there, blissfully apart from everything else in his life. He didn’t have to think of anything else, Gabriel, law school, his life. Out here, his only focus was staying afloat in the ocean’s formidable depths.  And then it hit him. 

 

He was thinking of running away again, just like he’d used the roadie job to run away from having to fully deal with being dumped, like he ran away from Gabriel. The course of his whole life had changed because he’d been a coward. 

 

What was worse was that he didn’t regret any of it. Even though he was running, he was happier because of doing it, he’d learned about himself, he’d met Gabriel. 

 

He thought about his conversation with Gabriel, there under the covers in his bed, before any of this had started. He’d meant what he said then, about Jess, and he meant it now about Gabriel. He hadn’t regretted loving him and he didn’t regret still loving him despite everything. But he was not going to run away from this, not again. 

 

Sam began to swim back towards the shore, back towards his life, and everything that went with it. He owed it to himself to see this one through to the end. 

 

He owed it to whatever came next. 

 

~~~~~

 

Sam was relieved when the car finally came for him. He’d been pacing Cas’ townhouse for he didn’t know how long and he was a little concerned he was going to wear a hole in the carpet. It normally didn’t take him long to get ready, but he’d changed his outfit three times before settling on the jeans and blue flannel he was wearing. 

 

He slid into the backseat of the car Castiel had sent, his palms becoming instantly sweaty as he thought about where he was going. Sam opened the window, as the car pulled away, hoping that a cool blast of night air would help him center himself. 

 

He wasn’t going to run anymore. He was going to see this through, he had to for his own sake, no matter how hard it was going to be. If he was going to move forward, he needed to face it head on. 

 

The venue was buzzing by the time he got there, a long line already forming at the entrance. There were people with t-shirts and signs, glow stick, even handing out battery operated candles. Sam didn’t think he’d ever seen a crowd like this, it was almost infectious. He got out of the car, and walked straight towards the front of the line, flashing his VIP badge at the bouncer at the door. 

 

Crowley was waiting for him in the lobby. 

 

“Crowley,” Sam said with a grin, and to his surprise, Crowley grinned back. 

 

“Moose,” Crowley replied. He began to walk, and Sam followed him. “You look well.” 

 

“You don’t look too bad yourself,” Sam quipped back. “Hell of a crowd here tonight.” 

 

“It would seem bisexual Dean Winchester has more fans than straight Dean Winchester, who knew?” Crowley shook his head, and lead Sam through a door and into the venue. It was bigger than any place they’d played while Sam was on tour with them, more grand too. Crowley crossed the floor and ended at a box close to the stage. It was pushed back against the wall and raised, so he could still see, even when the floor was filled with people. “Best seat in the house,” 

 

Sam nodded and let out a barely concealed sigh. Crowley turned and his eyebrow shot up. “Still?” 

 

Sam shrugged. “I don’t even know anymore,” he admitted. 

 

Crowley clearly wasn’t buying it. “You can fool everyone else, Moose. But you can’t fool me.” he told him with an annoyingly smug smirk. “No matter how hard you try, a part of you always will.” 

 

“That’s what I’m worried about,” Sam said, entering the box. “I was hoping coming would give me closure.” 

 

Crowley shook his head. “You let me know how that goes,” he smirked and sauntered away. 

 

Sam was left alone with his own words ringing in his head, waiting for the concert to start. He was lucky that it didn’t take too long for the rest of the crowd to be let in. By the time the opening act took the stage, it was so loud Sam couldn’t even hear himself think. 

 

“Hello, I’m Harry Spengler and we’re the Ghostfacers!” a squirrely look man holding a guitar yelled into the mike. They launched into a song about ghosts and goblins, but Sam was barely paying attention. A couple other people hand joined him in the box, including Gabriel’s mother and she gave him a pat on the shoulder before taking her seat in front of him. 

 

Sam’s head was swimming when the Ghostfacers finally cleared the stage, and Pulled from Perdition began to get in position. He watched Crowley enter from behind the curtain, taking his drumsticks from his seat. Chuck waved to the crowd as he joined him on the stage right.  Dean and Gabriel walked on together, each holding their instruments and Sam felt as if all the air had left the room. 

 

Gabriel looked good as he smiled and waved to the crowd. His face was full of life, his eyes animated and bright. He looked like the Gabriel Sam remembered from when they were happy, not the addict who’d almost died in his arms. There was something else too, the way he held himself was different, more confident than Sam had ever seen him. He glanced up at the box and Sam ducked, shame burning in his cheeks. 

 

He shouldn’t have come. 

 

“Hello, I’m Dean Winchester,” Dean’s voice boomed across the venue. “And we’re Pulled from Perdition!” Behind him, Sam heard Crowley begin to drum, and the low accompaniment of Gabriel's bass. 

 

Sam knew all their songs by heart, he had listened to them over and over, night after night, until he knew them as well as he knew his own name. This wasn’t one he recognized. 

 

It became clear to Sam that a lot had changed since the last time he’d seen the band play. Gabriel stepped towards the front, and accompanied Dean’s vocals, he even had his own parts, something that Sam hadn’t seen before. The song bled into the next one without Sam noticing, Chuck’s clear voice singing out over the mic. 

 

Their older songs and the newer melded together almost seamlessly, and Sam wondered if this was where all the fans were coming from. He could feel everything that had happened to them through the music, as if they were each telling him themselves. He felt hurt, and heartbreak, shame, and finally happiness and joy. 

 

He watched Dean steal glances at the side of the stage, and he was certain Castiel was there, wearing small, furtive smile he always wore for Dean. It made his heart ache, knowing that he had had that, and it had gotten away from him. He looked at Gabriel, almost willing him to look up at him. Suddenly,  he wanted him to know he was there, that he still cared for him regardless of what had happened. If Gabriel knew that and didn’t return his feelings, Sam could live with that. 

 

But he couldn’t live with not knowing at all. 

 

Sam stared at him, hoping he would glance his way, but Gabriel didn’t look up again, and Dean took the microphone. “We have one more song, something a little different for you romantics out there. So enjoy and have a great night, Los Angeles!” 

 

Sam’s heart sunk in his chest, and he knew it was time to go. He got up from his chair, grabbing his coat and starting towards the door, when he heard it. 

 

“This is dedicated to someone special.” Gabriel said, and the music started. 

 

_ “If I had wings like Noah's dove _

_ I'd fly the river to the one I love _

_ Fare thee well, my honey, fare thee well”  _

 

He turned back to look at the stage. Chuck and Gabriel had come forward, each one of them clutching a guitar and singing into Dean’s mic. Crowley and Dean hadn’t vacated the stage, just moved back and were watching their friends perform. They were each looking up at the box where Sam was sitting. 

 

_ “Well, I had a man, who was long and tall _

_ He moved his body like a cannonball _

_ Fare thee well, my honey, fare thee well”  _

 

Gabriel took the second verse alone, and Sam found that he couldn’t move, his eyes locked on the man he loved. He could have sworn he’d heard the song before, some movie that Gabriel had made him watch, but in Gabriel’s voice, it sounded brand new. 

 

_ “I remember one evening in the pouring rain _

_ And in my heart was an achin' pain _

_ Fare thee well, my honey, fare thee well”  _

 

They sang together, leaning in towards each other.

 

_ “Muddy river was muddy and wild _

_ Can't give a bloody for my unborn child _

_ Fare thee well, my honey, fare thee well.”  _

 

Chuck sang the next verse, his eyes flicking from Naomi in the box, then Sam and Gabriel standing next to him. A smile bloomed over his face, and with a quick nudge, he made Gabriel look up. 

 

_ “So show us a bird flying high above _

_ Life ain't worth living without the one you love.”  _

 

Gabriel looked up at the box, and his eyes widened as they connected with Sam’s. Sam could see the shock written all over his face. Sam tore his eyes away for a quick look at his brother, whose guilty smile told him all he needed to know. 

 

He hadn’t told Gabriel Sam was going to be there. 

 

_ “Fare thee well, my honey, fare thee well _

_ Fare thee well, my honey, fare thee well” _

 

Before he knew it, Sam had left the box, heading single-mindedly towards the stage. He ignored the rest of the patrons, ignored everyone until security grabbed him by his shoulder. 

 

“You can’t go up there,” 

 

Sam couldn’t help the snarl that bubbled over his lips. “I’d like to see you try and-” 

 

“Let him go!” Gabriel’s voice boomed over this sound system, and Sam stopped struggling. He watched as Gabriel handed Chuck his guitar, and hopped off the stage. 

 

“Move,” he could hear Gabriel as he made his way through the throng of people. “Get out of my way...I swear if you don’t let me through, I’m gunna…” 

 

He appeared a couple minutes later, his hair sticking to his damp forehead. “Sam, what are you doing here?” 

 

“Dean… Dean invited me,” Sam managed to stammer out. “I’m sorry… I didn’t know… He didn't tell me.” 

 

“Remind me to thank him later,” Gabriel replied. “I’m sorry, about everything. I was an idiot, I-” 

 

“Was that song for me?” 

 

Gabriel stopped mid-sentence, just mouth hanging open just a little. “Yes… Did you think it was for someone else?” 

 

“It…It’s been a long time,” Sam replied, finally feeling the heat of everyone’s gaze on him. “You could have...I didn’t want to assume...” 

 

“Sam, I-” 

 

“Would you just bloody kiss him already?” Crowley said into his mic, and the crowd around them started clapping. 

 

Sam had no choice but to do as he was told. 

  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  



	10. ART

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Art for this fic is by the lovely Iamkathtastrophe.tumblr.com

 

 

[Please see her wonderful fanart HERE](https://iamkathastrophe.tumblr.com/post/177137246892/hello-hello-for-this-years-sabrielbigbang-i)


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